#super tiny in the margins of my notes

[disbabeled]

Rating things people called my cane at the amusement park today because I can't sleep

Cane

Accurate

It's what I usually call it

Kinda boring, ngl. Where's the flair? Where's the finesse?

8/10

Walking Stick

Not fully accurate

Makes me sound like an old man

No thank you

2/10

Stick

Eh. Still not accurate

Only marginally better than walking stick.

Not a fan

3/10

Walking Pole

This is a new one

Makes me think of skiing

Not super accurate but points for originality

5/10

Staff

Incredible, no notes

Not at all accurate but I couldn't care less.

I felt like a warlock.

10/10

Santa Stick

No idea what this means

Said by a tiny human child with a voice full of awe

I'm choosing to take it as a compliment

7/10

That... stick... thing... whatever.

Boring and also very low effort.

Gave up very quickly on

The ride operator was clearly frazzled though so any transgressions were immediately forgiven

Kinda funny

4/10

[feathers-little-nest]

And here it is, the list of my fav Iron Widow moments! Enjoy?

As always feel free to discuss with me or share your favorite moments!!

It's below the cut bcs spoilers

- chapter 5, I figured that I could note my fav moments of this book as well XD

- starting on not the best note, I fucking hate Yang Guang, I hate him so much, I want to rip his guts out,

- chapter 8, the fight was so epic!! I love how MC just kinda forgor about the whole dying thing and went with the flow

- and that she killed that motherfucker! I didn't have to tolerate him for too long >:D

- it's honestly quite funny that Qin Zheng was killed by pox (I hope I'm getting the name of the illness right lol, I'm reading this in Polish translation and have 0 knowledge about any medical terminology in English)

- just a note but it's harder for me to keep up with those notes for Iron Widow than for Qian Qiu. I think it's because 1. its pace is faster 2. its chapters are shorter. so anyway

- chapter 10, Wu Zetian just needs to scream 24/7 and I respect it so much

- chapter 12, idk, Li Shimin is kinda cute

- I also like strategist Zhuge but that may be just because he has a fan

- chapter 13, those qi power statistic are so untrustworthy lol. I wouldn't be so happy to have so much higher qi stats than the average if the margin of error is like 17k

- chapter 14, damn, I miss Yizhi...

- chapter 19, oh my god, Yizhi is back!! T^T

- I absolutely love all the tiny historical details in this story. I'm probably missing a lot but those which I can catch are amazing (and satisfying, good to know that I know something about Chinese history after all that learning)

- chapter 20, OMG YIZHI IS BI?? IS THIS FINALLY SOME GOOD BI REP??

- ZETIAN IS ALSO BI?? AM I IN HEAVEN? WHAT'S GOING ON??

- omg Gao Yizhi grabbing Li Shimin's leash is one of the things I need to draw, damn, it paints such a clear picture in my mind

- chapter 21, Sima Yi is just a hater by nature and I start to enjoy it,

- chapter 23, Yizhi screaming "you can't shoot me I'm rich!!!" I love this boy

- chapter 29, god, Yizhi, Shimin and Zetian are sooo cute

- also "one traumatized Xing Tian", that made me laugh out loud

- "usually adding qi of a third person only strengthened the dissonance (...) no one knows why we succeeded" yeah I wonder why, hmmmmmm

- chapter 30, MY BABYGIRL LI SHIMIN GOT CALLED AN ALPHA MALE I'M DYINGGG

- I kinda like Gao Qiu. I know he's probably bad news but damn, he's fun

- also a Wu Zetian fan nr1, seeing his reaction I'm surprised that he didn't ask for an autograph (I forgot that he's sexist af)

- tho, tbh, I think he's more afraid of what he can't control than purely sexist; interesting guy, I want to dissect him,

- I wonder if anything happened between LSM and GYZ during that party at Gao's, hmm,

- chapter 31, OUR THIRD PARTNER YIZHI, AWWW

- chapter 36, I actually think Sima Yi might be one of my fav characters? come on, the guy came to the wedding just because he wanted to support his little dumdums

- chapter 39, YES FUCK AN LUSHAN

- damn I didn't think they'll actually kill him. oh well. he won't be missed. judging by his character, even his son won't miss him

- Yizhi is the wife in this throuple, isn't he /jk

- OMG THE TRIANGLE IS FINISHED, THAT WAS SO CUTE!! WAAH

- chapter 42, I like how Wu Zetian's reaction to something not going well is just "maybe we should burn ourselves alive actually", relatable queen

- Sima Yi just lost his good guy badge. he better have a damn good excuse for abondoning MCs this easily,

- chapter 44, QIN PIERDOLONY ZHENG, już zawsze będę go tak nazywać 🫡

- chapter 46, is Qin Pierdolony Zheng playing snake with hunduns instead of apples¿?

- I still can't believe that Shimin is actually dead. Like. Dead dead. Super dead. Human marmalade dead. How... why him T^T

- chapter 47, I love how among all this death and destruction the worst problem Qin Pierdolony Zheng has is inflation,

- epilogue, DID SHIMIN BECOME A GOD PLS TELL ME HE BECAME A GOD

- Qin Pierdolony Zheng has a beef with gods, I think he's the most rel character now

[ananke-xiii]

i've gotta share this cause it's fucking impossible that i'm the only one who feels this way.

so there's this book named "S" by Doug Dourst and JJ Abrams which i LOVED because it's super meta and basically even the material book itself is like the "embodiment" of metafiction because it technically doesn't *really* exist as itself but i digress....

among many many things what you have in this book is a story within a story within a story and one of these stories is handwritten on the book's margins. here a girl and a guy communicate with and get to know each other via writing comments, observations, notes etc.

anyway, it's really cute. like really really really cute. (at some point the guy writes "this is a scrapbook of you + me, too" and i swear to god it's the most romantic shit i've ever read).

still not the point! bear with me, i have one, i swear.

so i'm reading DtoA and, fuuuuuuck. I love it and it's just spectacularly awesome even though it sometimes makes me question if i can even fucking read cause i swear if i dont' 100% focus on the text i have no idea what i'm reading (my fault, ofc, i'm saying this because basically it made my realize how much of a shitty reader i am but still! not the point!!!).

the point being: please tell me there's someone else in this universe who ADORES reading seperis and bratfarrar's comments? i swear i'm reading a novel within the novel (and a real story within a fiction) and i'm so weak for these things.

like i feel my heart trembling a bit inside my chest when i read things such as "i really, really, really have been looking forward to reading your reaction to this chapter for a while".

how amazing is thaaaaat? it can't be just me.

i know that i'm a person that literally cries over little, tiny, minuscule things but i can't be alone in this, right???

THIS kind of stuff is some of the BEST stuff I've read in a while and it's just people sharing comments under a fic. but i don't know, i guess it gives me some sort of faith in life and makes me feel like i'm not completely dead inside and still able to react to even the idea of possibility of connection.

i don't know, man. it's beautiful (not to mention some of the things they write are pure mind-blowing).

anyway, yeah that was my point.

[alifeasvivid]

The thing is. I love customer service interactions. I like being super nice to waiters and sales associates. I like leaving nice tips and little notes on checks. I like long customer service phone calls in which I get to make little jokes and develop a tiny world in a bubble with me and the person on the other end. I like happily thanking them and saying they've been extremely helpful cuz I know it gets recorded. I fill out surveys and always give full points, I only leave good reviews, I mention staff members by name. I like interacting with strangers, having little chats with people in stores, in lobbies and waiting areas--not just small talk either but genuine connection. I like asking people if they need a ride when it's late or if it's cold out. The relief and enjoyment and good feelings that I can provoke in these people is a drug to me. These people are my best friends.

I feel safe with them. I feel happy. I feel like a real person. I know that it's proper and expected to exist in the very margins of their lives and I try to make them feel glad that I was there. Strangers appreciate me and I feel appreciated. I understand the boundaries and very rarely do any of them cross mine.

I can't make the more prominent, regularly appearing people in my life happy. I just can't. I try, but I always fail. So I do the best I can, I wedge into the margins and hope that they don't think about me when I'm not around... as if I was a stranger... even if I think about all of them constantly. I only hurt them. Because ultimately, I'm a monster. If you're around me for too long, it's impossible for me to hide it. It's impossible not to notice.

But strangers don't know what I am and they never will and I will just be a nice, charming person in their memories for a little while before they forget. That's better. I wish I could interact with everyone that way. I wish everyone was someone who didn't know me.

[doingeverything]

PERFUME COMPARISON: frederico mahora pure 18 / chanel coco mademoiselle

a comparison with my coco mademoiselle review

from FM website: "part of the chypre fragrance family and as such contains warm, dry notes... beautifully fruity head notes of orange and orange blossom as well as seductive heart notes of rose, jasmine and delightful ylang-ylang, the FM 18 Fragrance is finished with vibrant deep base notes of white musk, vetiver, tonka bean and a hint of vanilla." - compared to fragrantica for coco mademoiselle below

A much less pretty colour: none of that girly girly pink from the coco mademoiselle On spraying: much more alcoholic smelling but then immediately shifting into a similar sweet citrus

10 mins: Sharper and less pink than the coco mademoiselle - I clearly get more citrus and more flowers. It actually smells a bit stronger than the CM, but a tiny bit less soft and more “perfumey”

30 mins: it’s not as sweet or solid as the CM, was originally stronger but has actually faded a little. But without a trained nose yet it smells super similar

1 hour: Honestly I can’t smell much difference at all at this point but maybe a slightly less “warm” than the CM, less rich but it’s super marginal

4 hours: Almost exactly the same scent but probably weaker

[delighted-mirage]

YEAHAHAHAHA that sounds so fun and sweet. it’s a basic typed up american diner cookbook of recipes aligning with what caspar thinks they should serve like burger and fries, sandwiches, salads. then his notes of variations scribbled into the margins for certain galaxies for food and a big circled one of that one vegan cult planet with red marker DO NOT SERVE MEAT and many other warnings. and then another page for how both his moms like their night breakfast. and maybe another recipe for how his son likes his night breakfast. hurriedly written in the margins of his moms’ night breakfast page like he wasn’t sure if he should write it but did it anyway.

then some notes and recipes written out by caspar for effie and zebulon full of their butchering techniques, best ways to use even old produce scraps into the best casseroles, their favorite way to grind up and blend tea leaves so it’s *just* right (and how to read them and people drinking it), and generally hardy recipes that can feed lots of people they used to use for church that caspar usually pulls out for big crowds when he needs to use the most that he can. they also have the best blueberry pie recipe that caspar Says he’s doing exactly like he says they are! but they Know he’s doing it wrong and it’s not nearly as good as the one they are enjoying right now over the radio.

*they are also the only bakers and I feel like they deserve to have that category cornered. and I feel like zeb’s the cook. effie likes figuring things out and building it so she enjoys it too but I think zeb likes the work in knowing what he needs to do and fill it with as much love as he can. if it’s effie’s recipe it’s down to the minute what you need to do, if it’s zeb’s it’s pretty well structured with room to do what you want and has a little note on which work song he likes humming while he’s working

then some of leif’s recipes on notebook paper and a few popular alien ones he picked up from all around the galaxy. like cocktail recipes for trusk’s dreg and sigius’ wine? *can substitute for beer and dessert wine - or maybe even like. alcohol made from pacific islands? I looked up hawaii’s okolehao and awa made from kava roots and stuff which would be super neat in incorporating making those types of alcohol with sigius being a planet of volcanic islands*

^also probably some cocktails that range from regular to chemically explosive of which many feature a silly straw and tiny umbrella. one of the drinks is called the xeliac and it comes with a smoky black froth in a black sparkling drink that’s physically cold but chemically hot and bitter in the moment but after a moment it’s sweet and warm.

then could even have a couple of ava’s comfort foods from new york too. like her version of a club sandwich if that’s something they Know she likes. or how to make the best new york style pizza. or quick homemade chinese food she knows how to make and helps her focus and think of tons of chinese takeout nights. and a few other street foods like mediterranean, filipino, korean, soul foods, and honestly I think she’d be pretty international.

I don’t think she’d be so nostalgic for the flavors but probably brings it up a few times when the gang eats out at some alien restaurant like this tastes like the halo halo drink from hart street I used to drink like a drug when I was still writing my first thesis. then they turn to look at her and immediately want to know what halo halo/whatever other recipe she’s talking about to make from earth ingredients while they’re drinking/eating this absolutely delicious alien drink (if you’ve drunk/eaten halo halo you know it’s a very solid mix of eating and drinking)

also probably some fun sharp traditional cocktails and coffee recipes that she memorized and by taking one sip of the drink, can tell exactly what’s in it.

then gloria comes in with her whole taqueria menu and recipes all official and with some family recipes like her abuelo’s chocolomo recipe and the best champurrado and horchata and café de olla oughgh. she hand writes all of them and adds fun doodles and none of the gang can actually do the recipes bc she writes them like “add the pepper until it feels like it’s ready <3” and they all ask her about it but she’s adamant that’s Just How It Feels she doesn’t know what else to tell them!

and also got leif to help her experiment making those korean corn dogs with cheese or potato or squid ink, tteokbokki /spicy korean rice cakes or bbongupang / fish shaped bread filled with red bean or chocolate or custard. just bc I think gloria also watched mukbang / eating videos from bts and other korean artists and with an unlimited pantry and kitchen she deserves to experiment and fulfill her mukbang dreams LMAO

there’s also entries of

ex’s favorite food (she has many opinions and it needs to come from This specific galaxy because she can’t eat food but she loved the feeling of being there with people eating it)

shel’s favorite type of light and soil/kind of water/booze

tamara’s quick and easy snack recipes for long shifts and survival tips specifically for surviving for long periods of time on the run from shopzies

clementine’s favorite beets recipes and some other hardy ones she learned as a kid

terric’s favorite foods from jerusalem, england, france, brazil, and america

scribbled handwritten conversations in the margins (ava calling caspar a loser/caspar calling ava a dick) with their handwriting’s clearly distinct from each other <3

and at the end of it is a small collection of

leif’s notes on engineering (maybe the basics of some inventions in case anyone needs to fix a tool in the kitchen? or some other useful things. like a laser gun.)

ava’s theoretical notes (written in code - and one third is real notes, another third mocking caspar, and other third journal entries expressing how a part of her is afraid she is of finding the answer shes looking for)

caspar’s basic cleaning and customer service tips (based around different alien elements, points in time, and universes-he’s had 173 years of experience, I hope he knows how to clean and deal with all kinds of customers everywhere and when)

new notes on how to fix effie and zeb’s radio and their favorite songs/bible verses (“DO NOT CHANGE THE STATION- but if you do here’s ava’s code to fix it” is written in bold black ink now)

and gloria’s basic cooking tips and maybe even some self love affirmations. just as a hc I think gloria’s used to having to support herself in order to face the day and affirmations are a pretty good way to do that. and I think it means a lot to her that she gets to share them with her new family now to support them. <3

If the midnight burger pod ever release merch, one of them should be a cook book that starts off like a regular cook book that focuses on diner staples (burgers, fries, sandwiches etc) but then it transitions to mexican recipes (im thinking chile rellenos, pozole, cafe de olla). But then it transitions to weirder recipes like how to not burn coffee and how to make moonshine. Then Like the end of the cook book is like diagrams of quantum machines and math notes calculating the universe.

[daisywords]

confession tho everything I draw is tiny

and I draw everything on scrap paper w/ this lil folder for support just. chillin in bed like in case u thought I was being fancy abt this no just me and my trusty ticonderoga pencil and the noir filter on my phone camera

but! ft my favorite twins: progress?

but anyway re: the point of this post: chronologically u can trace my art from smallest to biggest pretty much and I’m happy bc I think my subconscious is getting over its fear of detail and letting me start out w/ faces bigger than my fingernail so yeah

[pforestsims]

A Tutorial:

How to create shadows for TS2 cc objects

You’ll need SimPe, 3D software like Milkshape or Blender 2.79b and 2D software like Photoshop or Gimp.  

First part is easy. I’ve described my process of creating a texture for TS2 cc object that already has a working shadow subset.

Second / more advanced part is not exactly a step-by step tut, but it contains various tips and explains what resources are required to create a shadow subset.

Full tutorial under the cut:

Note:

if you are reading this on my Tumblr, and you can’t enlarge pictures, try to right-click on a pic and “open in a new tab”. Or you can enlarge the page in your internet browser  [Ctrl] + [+]

First part of this tut is for objects that have all the required shadow resources, OR the only thing missing is the shadow model in GMDC.

* If your object already has a shadow and you are sure that UV-mapping is not off, you can import it instead of creating a new one.

1.

When exporting the models as .obj in SimPe, you need to tick the box next to shadow model, if you’d like to export it as well (SimPe will only export ticked models !) Then click Export... button. 

Furniture clones have one groundshadow, and three or four vertical shadows - if that’s the case, I recommend you delete all shadows and create a new groundshadow plane. 

Oversized shadow models are the cause of sh*tty thumbnails. If some objects in your Decor catalogue are so tiny you can barely see them, here’s why.

Remember to move the shadow plane up a bit, so it’s very slightly above the ground level.

Make sure you can see your object in wireframe view. Display options for Milkshape can be accessed by right-clicking inside viewport window.

When creating a plane, drag the mouse starting from top left corner, so UV’s are not rotated.

Rename your plane: “shadow“ or “groundshadow” etc, so SimPe auto-adjusts settings for it on import.

Blender 2.79b: Use Plane button, located in “Create” Tab. Remember to tick the “Create UVs” option before you create the shape. Switch to top view by pressing 7 on the num pad, press 5 to enable isometric view.

2., 3., 4.,

Now you can use this as an imprint for shadow. Remember to leave a tiny margin of 100% white around it!

5.

Gaussian Blur comes in handy ;)

You can (and it’s best that you DO) test your texture while you’re working on it.

Texture preview in Milkshape

Double-click the shadow plane in the Model tab. Go to Materials tab, click New button, then Assign. Click on the elongated button that says <None> (there are two of those, click the upper one) and load your texture. You can reload the texture by going to Edit menu, and Refresh textures.

If shadow looks off, you might need to rotate the plane 180* (or UVs, if you know how). 

 Blender 2.79b: I’ve described the quickest way to preview texture HERE.

6.

Note1: you don’t have to save the image as PNG just to preview it, Milkshape (and Blender ofc) can read PSD files.

Note2: obviously, if you didn’t create your own shadow plane, and the one you have inside GMDC works fine, you don’t need to export it.

7., 8.

As I mentioned in the next pic, your .png has to be the same size as the shadow TXTR you’d like to replace. If you wish to change the shadow texture size, that’s described in the second part of this tut. Check out the pic 5 below.

9. Open SimPe and import new texture.

If you don’t “update all sizes” you’ll get funky effects in the game, shadows might change the shape or disappear when you zoom out.

Finished! Or almost finished.

If you’ve created your own shadow model (or edited the old one) there’s one more thing you need to do.

10. Import the shadow model into GMDC. If you don’t know how, look at the pic 1 below.

After you test the shadow in the game, and it’s too dark or not dark enough, you might want to edit the shadow intensity in SimPe - that’s super easy. Look at pic 3 below, in the second part of this tut.   

✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦ ✦

Shadow tutorial, Part 2:

What to do if shadow resources are missing

Not a beginner level stuff, but if you are resourceful, have a go at it.

Shadow, as any other subset, requires a few resources to work properly: Model in the GMDC and shadow TXMT settings that point to the right texture. It’s also essential to link shadow subset (model name) to a TXMT through SHPE.

If a TXTR or TXMT resource is missing, you need to add it. You have 3 options:

link your model to TXMT resource from another package through SHPE. Useful if you do repo objects that are all the same shape, only different sizes.

clone existing non-shadow resources and customize them

add shadow resources extracted from another package and edit the CRES name part

And it’s a good practice to add shadow name to tsNoShadow in the GMND, so it doesn’t cast shadows when outdoors. But that’s optional.

1. & 2.

GMDC - How to import new .obj model, or replace the existing model.

GMND - How to fix square outdoor shadows.

Note: it’s not always stuff named “grounshadow” and such, that is the cause of square outdoor shadows. It could be something different, like lightpattern. You can preview subsets inside GMDC to check which one could be the culprit, then add missing subset name to GMND / tsNoShadow Items list. 

If you don’t know how to add new item to GMND blocklist - tutorials on repository technique for object add-ons etc always cover that bit.

Mesh Group Importer settings

When you click “Import..” button in GMDC and load .obj file, Mesh Group Importer window pops up. If you’ve never seen it before, take some time to explore the import options - Opacity, and Action both have drop down menus.

Changing Opacity to Shadow is a purely cosmetic effect. But if you keep it Opaque, shadow in the game will be highlighted when somebody moves design tool over the object ! 

Action menu options are pretty self-explanatory. If you’d like to replace existing model, set it to Replace. Then open drop-down menu in the bracket below and pick the right subset.

To change the name of the model after it’s been imported, go to Groups tab in GMDC, click on the shadow and edit the Name: field. Commit the changes and save.

3. & 4.

TXMT - How to edit shadow intensity through TXMT settings

SHPE - adding resources

To correct shadow brightness, open Categorized Properties Tab in the shadow TXMT and look for the line “stdMatAlphaMultiplier”. If it’s set to 1.000000, shadow’s usually pretty dark. To make it softer, you need to lower this number. 0.650000 is a good starting point.

If you add the entire TXMT shadow resource extracted from another package (not to be mixed with importing TXMT properties, it’s a different thing) you need to edit the name twice - in Filename field, and cMaterialDefinition tab.

If shadow looks like a solid object in the game that means it is linked to TXMT with wrong properties (shadows require specific TXMT properties) or texture that is not ExtRaw8Bit format.

Instead of trying to edit the TXMT properties, you can import the shadow properties from another package. If you don’t know how to do that, HERE is a little tutorial

TIP: the game only displays groundshadows for certain objects when placed indoors, and southwall shadows (wall shadows) only when all walls are up. If you change shadow subset name (in GMDC and SHPE), shadow will always be visible indoors, and outside (custom shadow names).

Remember, it’s essential you always do fix TGI after editing txmt or txtr name. But in case of adding or editing the SHPE parts (listed subsets) - don’t bother, because fix TGI doesn’t matter here. Stuff should work as long as you get all the names right and commit the changes.

Some old tutorials might tell you to FIX INTEGRITY after editing TXTR, SHPE, GMDC, TXMT. Don’t do it - it’s not required, and it can even break objects.

5.

TXTR - How to change format / size

Note1: For a 64 x 128 pic shadow txtr (vertical), or 128 x 64 (horizontal) use MipMap Level 8.    

Note2: obviously you need to select TXTR resource to fix TGI for it.

It’s not required for shadow texture to have “shadow_txtr” suffix, it could be “groundshadow_txtr” of anything else.

If  you’ve created/added new TXTR, remember to update texture name in TXMT Properties and TXMT File List.

If you think you did everything right, but shadow is blue.. Well, something is NOT right ;) It could be wrong TXMT name or texture name.

Check your object with Scenegrapher. It looks quite complicated but if some resources are “orphaned” = not linked to anything, you’ll see it right away. Make sure you’ve run Fix TGI on edited TXMTs and TXTRs. It’s possible you have a typo somewhere. Start with screening the resource names for missing suffixes, like _txtr or _txmt. Then check the texture names - make sure you haven’t added a suffix somewhere where it’s not required.

✦

[wutheringmights]

I always have to give to advice to people, so I might as well post it here.

I have completely filled 6 journals in my life. I love journaling, but a lot of people think that they aren’t capable of doing it. So here’s my hot tips so that you too can say that you’ve filled out a blank journal completely and are a certified Journal Keeper:

Give up writing about every day of your life. Seriously, give it up.

Write about your feelings or your day only when you have something to say. You might not write in your journal for months at a time this way, but it’s better than having unrealistic expectations

Have one journal at a time, which means consolidate your various other journals into one. Like, have one journal for your feelings but another for writing ideas? No you don’t. You have one that contains everything you would possibly write down

And I do mean everything you would write down-- grocery list, calendar dates, phone numbers, poems you read, TBR lists, etc, etc. If you can write it down, put it in your journal

For example, when I was in school I ditched having a planner and instead made spreads to keep track of class work and tests.

But you also do not need to bullet journal. Ever. If you don’t like spreads, don’t make them. You can forget about them

On the same note, don’t make your journal super neat. Embrace messiness. Use different pen colors. Write in the margins. Cross things out. Write upside down. Do whatever. It’s your space.

Tape fun mementos into your journal, like movie tickets and birthday cards

Get a journal you can put stickers all over

Or just get one you can generally trash. At least half of my journals are covered in duct tape because the spines started to fall apart

Try to take your journal with you as much as possible. You never know when you’ll need it!

You don’t need to carve out big chunks of your day dedicated to writing in your journal. Just add to it whenever you can. I used to write in my journal before lectures. They might be tiny poems, song lyrics in my head, or little doodles. Didn’t matter. I have entire pages made from these 5 minute sprints

[ethanesimp]

AMAMI PER SEMPRE // E.T.

Pairing: Ethan Torchio x Fem! Reader

Summary: Ethan isn’t the brightest—or the best—when it comes to surprises, so his attempt at proposing to you causes a few misunderstandings...

Word Count: 2.8k

Warnings: Swearing, a tiny tiny mention of death, some angst, other than that it’s pure fluff and me projecting my obsession with old books onto the reader.

Request: Ethan planning to propose and acting super nervous and strange (a bit angsty bc the reader doesn’t know what’s happening) and ending in pure fluff.

Masterlist // Taglist link in bio

A/N: After more than a year of stepping foot into a bookstore for *cough* obvious reasons, I got to go to one yesterday. While looking at some second-hand books I had an idea that I decided to combine with @kawaiiwxnnabe​’s lovely request to bring you this. I hope you enjoy! <3 

Ethan had been mindlessly listening to Damiano sing Amandoti when the thought of marrying you first seriously crossed his mind. It had been a thing he’d thought of countless times ever since he started dating you, but it had never remained with as much intensity as it had that time. 

Damiano, who had noticed his friend’s face illuminate all of a sudden, had a talk with him that once and for all convinced Ethan that it was the right time and you were the right person. He didn’t sleep at all that night because he couldn’t stop thinking about what would be the perfect way to propose to you. It was no secret to him—or anyone who knew you—that you were a hopeless romantic. 

There was nothing that made you happier than simple and small details that came from the heart. That was the reason why you had developed an affinity towards old books. Not only did they have a particular and special scent that reminded you of vanilla and chocolate, but some had the luck—as you liked to call it—of being embellished by notes on margins or dedications on covers. Whether they were about love, sorrow, or maybe even hate, they still showed a small glimpse into the life of the person who had once owned it. Those notes told a story that would prevail even long after they were gone from the earth. 

Ever since he had noticed that small obsession of yours, Ethan had tried to help you expand your treasured collection by bringing you back books he found at antique stores from every country the band played in. 

During a visit to Spain after he initially had his stirring thought, Ethan took the chance to visit one of the second-hand shops he’d found during a night stroll with Victoria, who had disappeared into a bakery. His main goal was to find something different from the usual books he brought back for you. 

After he walked into the store and vaguely told the old lady at the counter about his idea in the best Spanish he could muster, she smiled warmly at him and guided him to the very back of the tiny shop where a beautiful and worn out bookshelf sat in all its glory, filled with as many books as it could hold. 

He immediately started searching around for the perfect book, but it proved to be harder than he initially thought it’d be. After searching around for more than an hour, all he had found was a collection of Edgar Allan Poe’s tales and poems with a heartbreaking note to someone’s dead lover. While it had almost brought him to tears and was a special thing he’d buy to give to you later, it wasn’t exactly the best thing to help him carry out his plan.   

Victoria walked into the shop when he was about to give up and, fully aware of his plan, started looking around without saying a word to him. They both searched around the messy piles of books for something. It didn’t take long for her to stumble across three books held together by a lilac satin ribbon. 

Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë. All three contained a note on the very first page right under the title, but the last one stood out above the other two because, according to his basic knowledge of Spanish, it ended with the very question he wanted to ask ¿Quieres casarte conmigo? Or ‘Will you marry me?’. He bought all three of them after a huge smile and a thumbs up from Victoria.  

What he hadn’t expected was for them to remain hidden in a drawer he knew you never opened underneath piles of clothes. Ever since he came back from their small trip to Spain, Ethan had tried to ask the question about six times, but always ended up choking on his words and saying something else. In fact, the first time he ever tried, Ethan chickened out at the last second and ended up giving you the Edgar Allan Poe anthology instead.

You were still none the wiser to his plan even after he’d asked about your opinion on marriage a few times. Anyone would’ve probably caught up with what was going on already, but you were always so busy with things happening around you that you didn’t connect his awkward and nervous attitude with his questions.

You didn’t start giving his actions a second thought until one night… You had been cooped up in your office all day working on a new project you were supposed to present to your boss by the end of the week when you suddenly felt the urge to get up and walk around the house.

Ethan was casually sitting on the couch as he whispered unintelligible words into his phone. You supposed he was on a call with a friend or maybe his manager and was trying to be quiet to avoid disturbing you, but then he hung up the call with a panicked expression the moment he noticed you. After that, you started thinking back on the way he had been behaving ever since he returned and it all raised the suspicion that there was something strange going on. 

It didn’t get any better when he kept on acting weird. Simple things that he had allowed you to do, like using his phone to take pictures because it had a better camera than yours, now seemed to make him almost mad. He’d even snapped at you once when you tried to grab it to take a picture with him. Even if Ethan had apologized right away, it still didn’t calm you down, especially because he had gone as far as to change the password on it.

It almost felt like he was walking on eggshells around you and you didn’t like it one bit. Your relationship had always been about honesty and worked because of constant communication. Everything was just so strange that your mind couldn’t help but think of the worst.

You were an imaginative person who never had any difficulties when it came to envisioning things clearly. Unfortunately, that also applied to every negative thought that crossed your mind, so it wasn’t hard for you to start coming up with the worst explanations as to why he was acting so suspicious. It didn’t help much that he had been busier than normal because the band was wrapping up on their latest album, so you hadn’t had the opportunity to sit down and voice all your concerns, to ask if something was going on and if there was a way to fix it. 

The morning of your anniversary, you’d finally had enough. You had woken up, expecting to feel Ethan’s arm tightly wrapped around your waist and to receive a shower of kisses the moment he noticed you were awake, but no. There was no Ethan and the side of his bed was already neatly made.

Your disappointment only grew when he wasn’t in the kitchen or his small studio where he had his drums. You doubted he was in the house at all. 

It was a thing that wouldn’t have affected you much had he done it any other time, but with everything that had been going on as of late, you could only fear the worst. So, without being able to control yourself, you started making the worst conclusions. You’d always been fully aware that he loved you, but all the signs undoubtedly pointed at him meeting someone new… And maybe he was going to leave you for them as well… during your anniversary.

That was all you needed to break into tears. You climbed back into bed and cried for what seemed to be hours. Even since you got together, you had thought of him as your person, your forever. The thought of him leaving you broke your heart into tiny pieces.

Ethan arrived home only a few minutes after you’d buried yourself underneath all the blankets and cried out all your worries. When he was about to open the door to your bedroom, he stopped. Were you crying? 

He stood there in complete silence for a few seconds until he was more than sure that you were, in fact, crying. Ethan rushed inside and he felt his heart break at the sight of you looking so heartbroken, and it didn’t get any better when he heard a whimper come out of your mouth at the sight of him. You cuddled deeper into the bedsheets and turned away from him.

Ethan sat on your side of the bed and, as delicately as possible, he cupped your face into his warm hands and wiped your tears with his thumbs, “Amore,” He said in a quiet voice, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

You tried to turn away from him, but his grip on your face stopped you from doing so. You placed one of your hands on top of his and gave it a firm squeeze. No part of you was ready to have that conversation with him because that was going to be it and you were going to have to watch him leave…

So, with a lot of courage, you spoke the first words that came to mind, “You know, i-it’s okay if you’ve found someone else,” You caressed his cheek softly as more tears started spilling down your face, “You can tell me if you have.”

His eyebrows furrowed at your words and the only thing he could do was shake his head no, “What? Found someone else? What would make you say such a thing dolcezza?”

Then, before you could even answer, realization hit him like a ton of bricks and he felt like the stupidest living being on the face of the Earth. He pinched his nose and sighed, annoyed at himself.

“Fuck… I’m so fucking stupid. Please don’t ever think of something like that. I was just… I-I,” Clueless as to what to say, Ethan pressed his lips against yours to kiss you slowly, hoping it spoke more than his words ever could. He could still taste a trace of the salty tears that had fallen on your lips and he couldn’t help but shed a few of his own at the thought that he’d been the one to make you cry.

After pulling away, Ethan pressed his forehead to yours and brushed his nose against yours while his arms held you as close as possible, “Will you close your eyes for just a second, amore mio? I promise everything will make so much sense soon.”

You nodded and kept your eyes closed as you felt him get up from the bed. You heard him open and close a few drawers, and look around for something for a while before he sat back on the bed. Ethan grabbed your hands in his and slowly slipped the three small books into your grasp.

You opened his eyes after a small sound of approval from him and smiled when you saw the three old books held together by a ribbon and the pretty pink rose that had been carefully been slipped into the first book and the ribbon.

You gently removed the flower and placed it on your side. Then you undid the simple knot and picked up the first book, “Wuthering Heights?” You questioned.

He nodded, “Yeah… At least I think that’s it. I hope I didn’t bring back some sketchy book or some shit,” Ethan scratched his neck and you giggled as you opened it on the first page. Your fingers brushed over the letters neatly written down in fountain pen.  

After clearing your throat, you started reading the first dedication out loud. Since your Spanish wasn’t exactly the best either, you had to pause every once in a while to translate all the words, “May 17, 1850… My dearest Helena, I hope this book reaches you in great condition, being apart from you is one of the hardest challenges I have ever had to face, one of the most painful as well. I hope you can find me in between these pages as you read and remember how much I love you, remember how much I long to be back in your arms and kiss your lips. Sincerely, Alejandro.”

You closed it and placed it back on the bed before opening the second book and doing the same thing with the third, “January 24, 1855. Carolina, nothing I’ve ever experienced has gotten close to being as terrible as not having you in my arms. Apologies are overdue… long overdue. Words have never been my strongest suit, yet I still hope I can coherently express just how much I love you, all of you. I’m afraid I’m already too late since you will soon be betrothed to someone else and there will be nothing I can do by then.

 “Still, I hope with everything in my being that this arrives sooner so you’re aware of how sorry I am. I hope you remember that I would do anything you asked without a single complaint just to watch that lovely smile I adore so much appear on your face. If you ever come back to me, I promise with every fiber of my being, and I’ll be dammed if I don’t keep my promise, that I will leave everything behind and escape with you. Anywhere, any time. So with that, I ask a question that will hopefully have a yes as an answer. Will you marry me? With love, Javier.”

Before you could close it, Ethan stopped you and timidly asked for you to open the book on the very last page. You did it and looked back at him with confusion at the sight of his writing on the page, “Read this one out loud for me. Will you Y/N?” You nodded and mumbled a small ‘of course’ before clearing your throat to get rid of the knot that had formed. 

“October 21, 2025… Y/N, my one true love, I’ve always hoped to make a gesture that will remind you of your treasured books. I’ve never been one great with words spoken out loud, so I sought inspiration from those before me who were just as in love with someone as I am with you. Ever since I met you I dreamt of one day settling down with you, of having our small home in the countryside as you’ve always dreamed of. Maybe even doing some of those cloying gestures people seem to do in fiction and dedicate to you the most beautiful love poems I lay eyes on. 

“I’ve wondered for a while how I could ever take the step that would bring me closer to that goal, yet every time I try, words seem to get stuck in my throat with no way out and I end up in square one all over again. It is with this note that I hope to finally take a step in the right direction because I know you’re it for me. You’re my person, my forever, and there’s nothing I would love more than to share my life with you. Sei la mia migliore amica e il mio unico vero amore. Ti chiedo di accettare il mio amore, il mio nome e tutto quello che sono.” (You are my best friend and my one true love. I ask you to accept my love, my name, and everything I am.)

When your eyes spotted the four words that followed, you slowly lowered the book, “Will you marry me?” You both said at the same time, although yours sounded more like an unintelligible mumble. Only then did you notice him down on one knee right in front of you. He held a velvet box with one of the most beautiful rings sitting inside of it 

A hand went to cover your mouth as tears started falling down your face. This time, happy and free of worry. You could only nod repeatedly, overcome with pure joy as your heart swelled with love.

He slowly slid the ring into your finger and grabbed your face to kiss you once again, “I’m so sorry I made you think something else was going on. I just kept backtracking every time I tried to tell you. Not because I was regretting the decision but because I didn’t want to lose you.”

You shook your head as a silent way of saying it was alright and brushed his hair back with your fingers, “The important thing is that you’ve done it and you’re not going to lose me, no matter how hard you try. I’ll always be right here because I love you and I’ll always be yours.”

[cherrydreamer]

It's been six months since Billy was declared legally dead. Six months in a super secret government hospital having his organs unscrambled and skin stitched back together before he's finally declared well enough to be let loose on Hawkins again. And Billy knows there's probably a lot he needs to sort out now he's here. People to visit and paperwork to file and probably a whole fuckton of library fines and speeding tickets he's suddenly liable for again. But he has one thing he's desperate to do first. One thing he’s been wondering about ever since his eyes first flicked open and stared at the flickering fluorescents on the hospital ceiling.

So he makes his way to the cemetery, trudging through the crushed leaves and the mud, eyes flickering over names and dates until he finally finds his own. And his heart sinks. Because it's...nothing. Nothing. Just a plain slab with his name and the dates and some dumb religious quote that looks respectable and proper but means absolutely nothing to him. The only other thing is the epitaph.

'Beloved son'

The disappointment overwhelms him. The shock sending him crashing to the ground, mud soaking into his jeans as he falls to his knees in front of the stone and realises how little his life has been reduced to. Two words, and only one of them true.

He closes his eyes as the despair washes over him, hands clenching into fists in the sludgy ground, ripping up the grass and embedding dirt under his nails as he tries to fight the urge to howl. To sob. To scream until his lungs burn with it. To yell out at the people he cared about most, but who seem to have forgotten him already.  He gives himself a minute. A minute to grieve for the life he thought he had. The things he thought he could come back to.  And then he swallows it all down. Locks it away. He opens his eyes as soon as he knows the tears won’t fall, and that's when he sees it. A tiny, hand-tied bouquet of flowers, tucked right against the bottom of the stone and mostly swallowed up by the grass growing up around it.

He reaches for them, the collection of daisies and bright posies of varying sizes, clearly picked from a garden rather than store bought, but more meaningful that way and, as his hands brush at the wispy grass, he notices another few words near the bottom of the headstone and previously hidden from view by the overgrowth. They’re nothing like the words at the top, these ones are scrawled in permanent marker rather than neatly carved, and Billy's breath hitches as he reads them.

'Annoying brother' And then, in smaller letters beneath it, 'I miss you so much, you asshole. I miss you.'

Billy's heart jolts, tears rushing to his eyes as he takes in Max's messy but instantly familiar handwriting and the little doodles around it, the hearts and skulls and weird little bugs he's seen on 'Keep Out' signs on her bedroom door and in the margins of her school books as he sat and helped her with her homework.

And there's more, further down, more words appearing as he brushes away even more overgrown weeds. More little messages from Max, words of forgiveness and jokey insults, in-jokes and doodles. And then there’s a whole host of multi coloured messages of thanks. Messages that call him a hero, that call him good and strong and brave, followed by a list of names he recognises from the crackle of Max's walkie, and evenings spent giving lifts to and from the arcade: Jane, Dustin, Lucas, Mike, Will.

Billy's still reeling from it when his eyes track to the final message. Familiar handwriting again, loops and curls that he knows well from notes left first in his locker- 'Quarry at 10' or 'my house at 8?', and then on a kitchen table- 'Had to go but I didn't wanna wake you. Coffee's in the pot. You can stay here as long as you need, Bill. Please don't go back there. I'll see you tonight, OK?', and then finally on a nightstand next to the bed they'd started to share- 'I'm just downstairs making breakfast baby but I didn't want you to worry. Come down when you're ready.'

And Billy's heart in his his throat as he reads the dedication that Steve left for him.

'Adored Boyfriend'

There's a heart too, a little lopsided, with S&B squeezed inside, but it's the words below that have Billy's throat aching with the threat of tears,

'For you, the sun will be shining'

And Billy's suddenly hit with the memory of the two of them entwined together in Steve's bed, the soft breeze blowing the curtains gently and the music from the radio filling the air, both of them quietly murmuring the lyrics to each other in between lazy presses of kisses, words that felt as though they'd been plucked from Billy's very soul.

There’s one final line. Written right at the bottom of the stone in big letters. Words Billy remember Steve singing right into his ear, his voice rough with emotion in a way he’d never heard it before.

And I love you, I love you, I love you. Like never before

Billy takes a second to trace the words with shaking fingers. To feel their permanence. The small scribbles carrying more weight than any of the professionally carved words above them.

And then he wipes away the tears on his cheeks, picking up the bouquet of flowers and turning around without a backwards glance to walk the well-trodden route to Loch Nora.

[sunlight-moonrise]

Sugar, Spice, and Everything (Not So) Nice (Reid Imagine)

Summary: Being a Barista and falling for a regular is as cliche as it gets. Having that customer become your new professor? Not so much. 

A/N: *Peeks head out* Hello everyone. I have come back from my unannounced hiatus to show off this baby. Major thanks to @definitelynotkatesblog​ and @clean-bands-dirty-stories​ for helping me put this fic together. This was written for the lovely @httpnxtt​ for the secret-fic-swap in the Discord (thanks @imagining-in-the-margins​.) I hope you all enjoy this smutty goodness. 

Category: Smut

Content Warnings: Face Slapping, Degradation, Slight Hair Pulling, Oral Sex (male receiving), Fingering, Spanking, Penetrative Sex, Unprotected Sex/Creampie

Word Count: 6.4K

Masterlist

Being a barista is pretty awesome. Sure, there were bitchy customers and super early mornings but it had it’s redeeming perks. We got free coffee, tea, and snacks during our shifts, which served the caffeine addict in me. I also learned how to make popular lattes, mochas, and frappes that I ended up making at home for myself one too many times. While there were the occasional assholes who couldn’t appear human before getting their hands on some caffeine, there were the regulars who made it worth it. Most of the regulars were so sweet, I appreciated a familiar face when they came in. Some.. more than others.

“He’s baaaaaaaaack,” my coworker Hazel whispered to me in a sing-song voice as she scribbled a customer’s name on a cup. I turned to see who she was talking about, but I already had an inkling about who it was.

My suspicions were correct. I turned to see one of our kindest regulars, my personal favorite customer, Dr. Spencer Reid. Is it weird to know the full name -including the honorific- of a customer? Possibly. But when I’d asked for his name to write on his cup the first time he came in, he accidentally gave me his full name. 

“Dr. Reid- uh, Spencer. Sorry, work habit.” He stuttered, avoiding my eyes after the mistake.

“No worries! What can I get started for you?”

As a Criminology major,  I learned to study the people who catch my attention before indulging them. Call it an old habit. 

Dr. Spencer Reid had earned his title and then some. He’d joined the FBI at only 22, having six degrees under his belt by the age of 27. He’d written several dissertations and co-wrote novels with his colleague, David Rossi. Someone with his reputation could be a pompous ass and have a leg to stand on, which is what made his humbled demeanor so much sweeter. He was also incredibly easy on the eyes, which was a nice little bow on top. 

Hazel liked to joke about how we’d make a cute couple but I know she only did it to watch me get flustered.  

I walked towards the counter to take his order, leaving Hazel with the task of refilling the caramel syrup. I’m always the one to help him since he very aptly pointed out that I’m the only one who makes his coffee just how he likes it.  

Some days, he’d let me surprise him with a random creation. I’d confirm if he wanted caffeine (he always did), iced or not, and any flavor requests. He’d take his drink, tip me handsomely and let me know his thoughts on the drink the next time he came in. So far, his favorite was the almond milk honey latte I’d concocted. It was nice to have a little bit of fun, especially with regulars who were as consistent as him.

“Hey Doc, what can I get ya’?” I asked.

“The usual, please,” he said with a smile. I nodded and set off to make his drink: a venti dark roast with a shit ton of sugar, a dash of nutmeg, and a tiny bit of cinnamon.

“Of course!” I quickly go to fill his order, making sure to put a complimentary treat in a bag for him. I know he had the ultimate sweet tooth so I try to sneak him a confection whenever I can. At first, he was a bit reluctant to take the free pastries, but nowadays he usually smiles when he sees the small bag. 

“Here ya’ go.” I handed him his steamy cup of caffeine along with the little treat, seeing him smile at the small pun I add to his cup, “Have a BREW-tiful day, Doctor!” I watched as his lips landed on the rim of the cup, taking a long sip of the hot coffee. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, the sight making my cheeks promptly flush. I cleared my throat before asking, “Is it good?”

“It’s always good when you make it,” he stated matter of factly, a small smile touching his lips. The heat in my cheeks rose again. “Will you be taking a course this summer?” he asked, taking another sip of his coffee.

“Yeah, I’m really looking forward to it. My first day is actually later today. I’m surprised the class section was open, to be honest.” Super surprised actually. I’d been trying to enroll in this class for the past couple of semesters but it was always full by the time I was able to even load the registration page.

“Well, I’ll wish you luck, but I’m sure you won’t need it.”

“How can you be so sure?” 

“I can just tell.” He stated calmly, like it was common knowledge. I raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to explain. Before he could respond, an insistent cough caught both of our attention. I peeked over Spencer’s shoulder to see a customer waiting for his order to be taken. I turned my attention back to the Doctor, an annoyed look painted on my face. He nodded, taking a hint from the impatient mouth breather behind him. 

“Thank you for the coffee. Enjoy the rest of your day. I hope that class goes well.”

“Bye, you too.” I waved, watching as he exited the door. I turned to the waiting customer, a bit miffed that he interrupted our conversation. But because I was at work, I plastered a fake smile on my face so that he wouldn’t see just how annoyed I was. “Welcome, how may I help you?”

●●●

After clocking out at 2:30 PM, I made a dash for the building where my class would be held. It’s not supposed to start for another half-hour, but I wanted to be sure to get there in time to choose a good seat and settle in before the rest of the class arrived.

Luckily room 301 was relatively empty so I was able to score a perfect seat by the window. I decided to kill some time by listening to some music and doodling randomly in my notebook. Some time had passed when I felt someone take the seat next to me. I turned to see a young man occupying the chair beside mine. He looked to be a frat boy based on the Greek letters he was sporting. Who wears a cap and hoodie in this weather? I really hope he didn’t expect to cheat off of me- although these types of guys always seem to do so.

I was about to return to my doodle when I felt a poke on my shoulder. I turned to give the offender my full attention, removing one of the earbuds from my ears. 

“Hey, I’m Tony,” frat boy said, with a wide smile adorning his face. I must admit, his boyish grin melted the slight annoyance I had begun to stir toward him. I returned his greeting and introduced myself as well. “I don’t mean to be a bother,” he continued, “but I like to have at least one buddy in each of my classes. In case we need help or miss an assignment or something.”

I nodded my head - a friend in a class was always useful when it came to studying and swapping notes. We chatted a bit more, learning about each other’s major and why we both decided to take a summer course. Tony is a double major and this course will satisfy the credits he needs for his psychology requirement. This is why you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. 

It wasn’t until I heard the hush of the classroom that I realized the class was about to begin. I turned back to my notebook, preparing to jot down some important information despite it being the first day of class.

“Good morning class.” Wait. That voice... I didn’t even need to pick my head up to know who had spoken. “This is Criminal Psychology and I am your instructor, Doctor Spencer Reid. Unfortunately, Professor Monroe could not cover this course so I’ll be his permanent replacement. Now…”

I raised my head, watching as he continued to talk about what is to be expected in this course while a TA handed out the syllabus. He went on, able to capture the attention of everyone while speaking of the experiences he had with an array of criminals. His eyes scanned the room and for a brief moment I thought they would land on me, but they continued to take in the mass amount of students before him.

My concentration was broken by Tony passing me a copy of the syllabus. I scanned it over, making sure to highlight all the important dates. I didn’t want any exams or projects conflicting with my work schedule. I also made note of how the overall grade system is broken down. The whole thing seems pretty fair and everything was spaced out enough where I wouldn’t feel too overwhelmed with the workload.

“… and that pretty much wraps it up. Does anyone have any questions?” I tuned in just as he was pulling the first class to a close. No one raised their hands, so he dismissed us with a reminder to read the first chapter of the textbook and to check for any emails.

“So do you want to grab lunch?” Tony asked from beside me. I contemplated whether or not to go with him. He must have seen the hesitation in my face because he quickly added, “Not as a date or anything, I just wanted to grab a bite and I didn’t want to do it alone.”

“Sure,” I smiled, “Let me just ask the professor a quick question about his office hours and I’ll meet you at the food court.”

“Sweet, I’ll see you in a bit.” With that, Tony gathered his stuff and exited the back door. 

I focused my attention on the podium, seeing a gaggle of girls surrounding him asking redundant questions. From what I could hear, their questions could have been answered if they’d read the syllabus. I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt, they were probably more focused on him rather than what he was saying during class. I waited a few more minutes for them to finish up before I made my way to him.

“So do I call you Doctor or Professor now?” I laughed. 

“From you, I’d respond to either,” he replied warmly. The comment made me blush. If he looked into my eyes at that moment, he’d see more stars in them than the night sky. I bit my lip to stop the idiotic grin from spreading across my face. 

He’s your professor, get a hold of yourself.

“How can I help?” he asked, bringing me back to the original reason as to why I was standing in front of him without a cash register between us. 

I cleared my throat. “Um, I was wondering if it was possible to see you outside your normal office hours? I usually work the morning shifts and I don’t want to flood your emails with my questions.” I asked.

“Of course,” he said. “You can come to my office at whatever time works best for you. I know balancing a work and school schedule can be hard. Besides, I’m usually there handling paperwork anyway.” He gave a small shrug, pushing his hands in his pockets. 

“Thank you so much. I look forward to the rest of the semester Professor Reid.” I liked the way his newfound honorific rolled off my tongue. 

“Goodbye, Y/N.”

“Goodbye, Professor.” With that, I left and headed out to meet Tony. 

I was able to find him at the food court. We got some food and chatted more about our classes as well as life outside of school. He made it easy to be his friend, and it was nice having someone to talk to. He works as a waiter so we shared our customer service horror stories and tales of sneaking food at work. It was a nice distraction that took my mind off of Dr. Reid and the ongoing battle of calling him Doctor or Professor. As Tony rambled, my mind wandered about other things I’d like to call Spencer instead. 

●●●

In that short span of two weeks, we already had an exam, an oral presentation, and a report on the psychoanalysis of serial killers. Not one day had been wasted, but this is what to be expected from a summer course. The essay was due the day before. Now we had to wait for our grades which gave us a moment to take a breath.

I was worried that my paper was subpar; especially since I chose to write about Andrei Chikatilo, a serial killer from Ukraine. He wasn’t as popular as those in America, so I ended up spending hours on deep research to find substantial information about his crimes. It also didn’t help that some of the original reports weren’t in English. I had worked hard, and hoped Professor Reid would see that, even if my writing could sometimes be a little weak. I was worried about the grade as our research papers held the weight of 20% of our final mark. 

“Hello? Earth to Y/N! Anyone in there?” Hazel’s voice pierced through my worry bubble, her hand waving in front of my face. I shook my head, trying to focus on restocking the coffee beans.

“Sorry Haze, I’m thinking about this class.”

“Funny you say that; your favorite professor just walked in. Thought you might want to take his order.” She wagged her brows at me, making kissy faces as I hurried to the front register, trying my best to not let my eagerness be so glaringly obvious.

There he was, in his usual handsome glory, patiently waiting for me to take his order. He greeted me with a small smile that I happily returned.

“Hey Doc, what can I get you today?”

He debated for a moment before saying, “Surprise me.”

“Gotcha.” I already had an in my head; it’d been a while since he asked me to make him a random drink so I’d had plenty of time to plan. We got an early shipment of ingredients for our fall-themed drinks and I figured he would appreciate some pumpkin spice in his caffeine. “How are the papers coming along?” I asked casually as I rang him up.

“Pretty well. I’m almost done, so you’ll all receive your grades later today.” Wow, that was fast. I wondered if he stayed up reading all those papers to be done by today. Probably not, a TA must have helped him.

“I am a bit nervous about mine, especially since it’s worth a huge part of our final grade.” I really wanted to get an A in this course, but it was hard juggling everything in such a short amount of time.

“Don’t worry about it too much,” he reassured. “I haven’t properly finished yours yet but it looked great just from what I’ve seen thus far.” His words gave me a little reassurance.

“Thanks. I put a lot of effort into it. Let me grab your coffee now.” Spencer walked towards the pick-up station while I grabbed a venti cup for his drink. Just when I was about to make his order, I saw another familiar face come up to the register. “Tony, hey!” I shouted, placing the cup back down, “What can I get you?” 

This was the first time he’d been here, despite him saying for the past few days that he’d stop by for a visit, even with the promise of a cake pop if he did. It was nice to see another familiar face.

“Hey coffee girl, how you doin’ today?”

“Just peachy. My feet are killing me, though.” Just saying the words caused the ache on the soles of my feet to spike higher. I thanked my lucky stars I was almost done with this eight-hour shift.

“Give me the chance to sweep you off your feet, I promise you won’t regret it.” he offered boldly. It wasn’t the first time he’d joked about taking me out. I laughed, especially since he had a girlfriend. She met us for lunch one day and we became fast friends- she was an incredibly sweet and intelligent girl, polite and elegant as well. It is a wonder how his frat boy charm won her over but opposites attract, I guess.

“Shut up, Casanova. What are you gonna have?”

“I’ll have a grande iced matcha latte, please.” I should’ve known. He told me that he loves matcha flavored food and drinks the first time we grabbed lunch after class. He had complained that there was no good place to get one on campus. 

“Coming right up.” I quickly filled his order since it was faster to make compared to the pumpkin spiced latte. I handed him his bribe-cake pop, matcha flavor of course, while he waited for me to finish making his drink.

“By the way, we’re still studying at the library for the exam later tonight, right?” Tony asked.

“Yup, I’ll meet you at 8.”

“Copy that, see you later coffee girl.” He turned to leave while I turned to make Professor Reid’s order. I put extra whip cream and a bit more syrup to satiate his sweet tooth. I grabbed a fresh chocolate muffin from the display case and popped it into a bag for him as well, drawing yet another pun on the good doctors bag. “Thanks for being such a TEA-rrific professor!”

“Here ya’ go Doc,” I called out before placing his drink and muffin on the counter. I looked up to see him no longer smiling. “Is everything okay?”

Ignoring my question, he said, “I wasn’t aware you were so close to Mr. Montgomery.”

“Oh yeah, we study together once in a while.” I could have sworn I saw his frown deepen before his features became void of any emotions. He shifted his eyes downward, his hand moving rapidly to grab the cup.

“I should get going.”

“Oh, okay” Before I could say goodbye, he was already halfway out the door. 

That was weird. I looked at the counter and noticed that he left the cupcake behind. Maybe he was in a rush?

I shook my head. I needed to concentrate on making it through the last couple of hours of work. 

●●●

I made my way to the classroom, smiling at Tony as he pulled out my seat for me. Professor Reid walked in a few minutes later, his tall figure drawing all the attention to the center of the small stage. He let us know he already graded the papers and that they would be distributed by the TA before the end of class. I had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach but decided to brush it off and pay attention in class. Despite my attempts to focus on his lecture, I found my mind wandering every so often anyway.

I couldn’t help but think he was less animated today. Usually, he taught with such passion that the class couldn’t take their eyes off him. But today, it felt as if we were all in a boring seminar with an ancient professor. Tony kept glancing at the clock, probably also wondering why time felt like it was going by so slowly. 

I couldn’t shake the unsettled feeling the entire class. It didn’t help matters that every time I would raise my hand to answer a question, he would call on another student. What the hell did I do? 

I decided to tune out the rest of the class. There is no point in being an actively engaged student if I wasn’t going to get treated like one. I’d just get the notes from Tony later.

Thirty minutes before the end of class, the TA handed out our essays while Professor Reid wrapped. 

“Some of you did very well, while a few others struggled with the assignment.” His eyes landed on mine as he said that. It was the first time he had glanced in my direction the whole class. He moved on to the other side of the room. My mind was probably just playing tricks on me. “If you have any questions you can see me at my office hours next week or send me an email. You are dismissed.”

The TA finally made his way over to me, handing my essay in a slight fold. I looked at the grade on top and almost dropped the paper. My heart sped up as I stared at the letter in bright red ink. No way, no way this could be my report. I looked at the right-hand corner and saw my name at the top. I read through the first page and saw they were indeed my words.

How the fuck was it possible that I got a D on this paper? I knew my writing wasn’t the strongest, but a D? 

“How you’d do?” Tony asked. For a moment I forgot I was in a room with other people.

I cleared my throat, trying to relive the lump so that he didn’t hear the croak in my voice. “Umm, not what I expected. I’m going to try to speak to him about it.” Tony was a smart kid, so I was sure he could see how tense I was. Luckily he didn’t question me any further and instead told me he’d text me later before leaving the classroom.

Fortunately, there were no other students in the classroom to slow me down this time. I walked right up to the podium, watching as Professor Reid placed some papers in his satchel. 

“Professor, I need to speak with you.”

“Not now, I’m busy,” he replied, not even bothering to glance in my direction. This can’t be real. The sweet, kind Doc could not be the man acting like a total asshole right now.

“I really need to discuss with you my paper,” I pressed, raising my voice a little louder in an attempt to get his attention. That was wishful thinking on my part since he continued to fiddle with his satchel.

“I said I’m busy,” he uttered once again, his voice void of any emotion. He was about to walk past me, ignoring my whole being. His blatant disregard made my cheeks burn, and not in the usual way they usually did when I was around him.

“Spencer,” I barked, “We need to talk. Now.” For a few moments, he stood in front of me, his back facing my direction.

I was about to speak again before I heard him say, “My office. Half an hour.” He exited, leaving me alone in an empty classroom. The only things keeping me company were the fuming feelings swirling inside me and the failed paper clutched at my fist. 

●●●

I knocked on his office door ten minutes earlier than he’d told me. The anger in my gut brewed hotter the longer I waited. As soon as I heard a “Come in,” I rushed through the door, slamming it behind me. He regarded me coolly, but didn’t comment on my actions. 

“What can I do for you Ms. (Y/L/N)?” I walked up to his large desk, not bothering to take a seat in the chair in front of me. I took a moment to calm myself down before replying.

“Well, you can start by explaining to me why I got such a low score on my paper.” I guess he didn’t like being the only one of us sitting down because he stood up and leaned against the wall behind him.

“It did not meet the requirements for a passing grade as outlined in the rubric. The information given was boring and the overall topic was uninteresting. It was tedious to get through,” he responded nonchalantly, like he was giving me a weather report.  

“You said that you enjoyed it so far.” I rebutted, placing my hands on the desk. I needed something to offer me stability so that I wasn’t visibly shaking.  

“I’d mistaken your work for another student’s. Maybe Mr. Montgomery,” he dryly clipped.

A bitter laugh escaped me as I put the puzzle together. Was- was he serious? Was this man acting like this because of Tony? The audacity! The laugh that bubbled from my lips must have unsettled him. He left his position from the wall in favor of standing in front of me.

“You want to know what I think?” I didn’t give him a chance to respond before continuing, “I think you’re jealous that I have another guy that isn’t you getting friendly with me at the shop and because of your inability to keep your---“

“That is enough,” he grounded out, shaking his head. But I didn’t stop talking.

“--private feelings away from your professional ones, you decided to give me a failing grade. Do you know how hard I worked in-” my voice rose up higher and higher until I was yelling.

“I said that’s enough,” he said again, louder this time. But I wasn’t done.

“-this class? This is my life, my fucking future on the line. I’ve told you how important this all is to me and you don’t even give a shit! You’re going to let your interpretation of my relationship with another student influence the way you do your job? And here I thought you were a decent man, Professor.” I hissed, “Do you even give a damn abo-”

“Enough,” he roared, slamming his hands on the desk and caging me against the wood. His breathing was matching the upbeat pace of my own. His quick movement and the sheer volume of his voice caught me off guard, effectively silencing me. 

“I don’t deserve to be punished over your envy,” I whispered, locking eyes with him in a steady gaze.

“You want to see a real punishment, darling?” he hissed, the heat of his words almost breaking my glare, his breath fanning along my face.

We stared at one another for a while, neither of us willing to be the first to back down. The tension between us kept rising and rising until the inevitable happened. I couldn’t be sure who made the first move but before I knew it, our lips collided with a mix of rage and desperation. My arms draped around his neck as he pressed me on to the desk. He placed his hands on the back of my thighs, lifting me up high enough until I was perched on the cool wooden surface.

Spencer’s lips were soft, a stark contrast to the harsh way he was kissing me. His tongue parted my lips, gliding over mine with fervor. I couldn’t help but moan as he rolled his hips into me. He continued his rough grind, keeping my legs open as we moved as close together as our bodies would allow. He overwhelmed my senses- the smell of him, the taste of him, the feel of him. Everything was making me absolutely feral for this man. 

I never expected the gentle Dr. Reid to be so fervent, so sensual. The kindhearted, sweet professor who regularly drank his weight in caffeine never gave me this impression. But then again, I’m sure he was shocked by my attitude as well. He knew me as the friendly, bubbly barista, now student, who enjoyed his class. He was about to meet a whole new side of me, just like I was going to for him.

Spencer pulled away from me, our mouths making an audible ‘pop’ sound from the sudden separation. I tried to catch my breath as he stared at me, our chests rising and falling together. If I were to move a bit closer to him, we would be touching once again.

He took a few steps back before motioning me to step in front of him. “I want you to get down on your knees. Now.” I wasn’t going to argue with him, mainly because I wanted the exact same thing he did. I kneeled down, keeping my eyes on his face.

“You going to shut me up, Professor?” I teased, feeling powerful, even though he was looming over me. He didn’t reply, just continued to look down on me with those honey colored eyes- full of lust and rage.

I watched as he slowly placed his hands on his slacks, undoing the belt and buttons. He drew down his pants and boxers at the same time, just low enough to reveal his impressive size. My mouth salivated at the sight of his bulge as he came closer to me.

“We’re going to put that smart mouth to better use. Open.” He said, gripping my face between his fingers, forcing me to follow his orders. I opened my mouth slightly, not giving him exactly what he wanted. Instead of ordering my mouth to open further like I expected, he placed his thumb inside. He pushed the digit deep, pressing it against my tongue. I moaned around the finger, softly nibbling at the skin. He continued to slide his finger within my mouth before dragging it out completely. He wiped the excess spit on my cheek before lightly smacking it. The small shock of pain sent a shiver down my spine.

“Open, and do it right this time.”

I obeyed, opening wide enough to accept him into my mouth. My lips were stretched almost uncomfortably in an attempt to fit around him. He was so hot and thick, I couldn’t help but hum at the taste of him on my tongue. The soft “fuck” that fell from his lips had me purring around him. I went to place my hands on the remaining portion that couldn’t fit, but he batted them away.

“You’re using only your mouth.” 

Fine, have it your way, Sir. 

I placed my hands behind me as I bobbed my head, hallowing my cheeks with every rise. His shallow thrusts encouraged me to suck harder. I slowly pulled away to run my tongue against the vein protruding on the underside of his cock. I was rewarded with a groan escaping his lips.

“I should have known that you would be so good at this, darling,” he said, his voice slightly hoarse as he tried to control his grunts.

I made sure to look in his eyes as I swirled my tongue around the head of his cock. The face he made was purely angelic. The muscles of his neck protruded more evidently and his breathing became more labored. I placed him back in my mouth, this time taking my time to go down on him.

“That’s right, Princess. Show me what a good girl you are for me.” He moaned as I felt his hands weave in my hair before he pushed my head down on to him, causing me to gag around him, tears pricking my eyes. He continued his thrusts into my mouth, barely allowing me a chance to breathe. My nose repeatedly touched the base of him as I swallowed around his hard length.

Spencer tightened his fingers in my hair and I knew he wasn’t going to last much longer.  The pace was brutal, but I enjoyed the rough treatment. Knowing that I was the one making him feel good was such a turn on. He buried himself deep in my throat after a few more thrusts to finish. I swallowed his release like the greedy brat that we both now knew I was.

He eventually pulled out, a satisfied sigh leaving his lips. I swiped the back off my hand across my mouth to clean off any leftover spit and cum.

“Get up,” he ordered, his voice hoarse.

I did so, rubbing the ache in my knees as I slowly rose. “I want you bent over the desk,” he continued.

“I want you to answer my previous question.” I quipped.

“You’re not in the position to be making commands,” he growled. He wrapped his fingers in my hair again, pulling just roughly enough so that I was looking up at his face. “If you want this to end well for you, I suggest bending over my desk before I stuff my cock in that bratty little mouth of yours again.”

He released me, eyes still on my face waiting for me to follow through on his order. I turned to his desk and did as he asked, bending over the wood until my chest laid flat against the surface. I waited as patiently as I could for him. It felt as if I was in this position for an eternity before he touched me. He pushed both my underwear and skirt down to my knees before placing his hands on my hips. I heard it before I felt it- the smack on my ass that caused me to yelp.

“Fuck, Spencer. What the—” I was cut off with another resounding smack.

“Did you really think that I wasn’t going to give you a real punishment, darling?” I took a deep breath as another shiver went down my spine. He had no business sounding so hot right now. Another smack, this time on my opposite cheek, had me biting down on my lip to stop myself from crying out.

“This” *SMACK* “Is” *SMACK* “What” *SMACK* “Happens” *SMACK* “To” *SMACK* “Bratty” *SMACK* “Little” *SMACK* “Girls” *SMACK*. A sob ripped from my chest as the last blow landed. My ass was on fire and surely littered with his hand prints.

“You’re lucky I’m in a good mood since you sucked me off so nicely, or I would have made that worse.”

Gee, thanks.

“You look like such a dirty slut like this.” I felt a finger enter me easily, the wetness gathered there making my entrance ready to take him. “So wet. Was it the spanking that got you like this, or your mouth around my cock?” A moan was my only reply as he added another finger, the two digits moving in a scissoring motion. 

“Are you gonna be my sweet girl, now?” He asked as I moved my hips along his fingers, desperately trying to seek some more relief for the fire burning between my thighs as his mouth littered marks along my thighs. I closed my eyes, focusing on the pleasure he was giving me as he curled his fingers, a slow moan falling from my lips. He pulled them out of me, wiping the slickness against my still burning ass. Fucking bastard. I wiggled my hips against him, hoping he would grant me a reprieve and put his fingers back inside me. Instead, he spanked my ass one more time- one quick, sharp blow against the bruised cheek.

Just when I was about to yell at him, he placed the head of his member against my entrance. He moved up and down my drenched entrance before penetrating me in one full thrust. I took a short breath in, trying to get used to feeling so full. He was stretching me out in the most amazing way.

Spencer waited until I was grinding against him before he pulled out and pushed back into me. “Look at you, such a wanton little bitch aren’t you?” He could call me whatever he wanted, as long as he didn’t stop fucking me.

He kept a steady pace, making sure to grind into me every time he slammed back in. The obscene sound of our skin smacking against one another’s and the moans escaping our throats was an erotic symphony that had my body heat raising the temperature in the room.

He hitched my leg on top of the desk, entering in an angle that made the pleasure so much better. I couldn’t stop the whines that kept escaping my mouth every time he pounded into me. His hand stayed upon my leg, holding me down and limiting my movements. His nails dug into the skin so harshly I was sure there would be bruises left in their wake.  

“Fuck, you feel so good wrapped around me,” he hissed under his breath. “Should have known you just needed to be fucked like the cheap whore you are.” He sped up, hips snapping at an almost punishing pace. The desk creaked every time he slammed into me. I hoped no one was nearby to hear what was going on. A whine left my throat when I felt his fingers rub against my clit. I was so close now.

“Should I stay inside you? Fill you up so you walk around campus carrying my child?” He growls, his pace increasing with each passing moment. “Knock you up so the whole campus knows what a whore you are for me?” He asks, earning a cry ripped from my throat. 

“Who’s fucking you?” he grunted. I don’t know how he expected me to form a coherent statement at this current moment. My eyes could barely stay open at this point. 

“Spencer, please.” He smacked the outside of my thigh.

“Try again, who’s fucking you?” 

“You are, Doctor.” Apparently, that was the wrong answer too, because it earned me another smack on my thigh. I had tears streaming down my face from the pleasurable pain he was giving me.

“You have one more chance or else I’m not letting you come. Now, who’s is fucking you?”

“Professor Reid!” I cried out.

“That’s right darling. Now come on my cock.” A harsh bite on my neck was the ultimate push that had me seeing stars. Spencer thrusted a few more times before fully sheathing himself within me.

He slumped over me, the feel of his breath against my neck causing me to shiver once more. We took a moment to have the high leave our body before he pulled out of me, a gasp leaving the both of us. Spencer was the first to break the silence between us.

“Would you like to have dinner with me?” he asked, his voice a bit shy. 

I giggled at his demeanor. A few moments ago, he was fucking me senseless and spanking me over his desk like a porno, and now he was asking me out to dinner. 

“Absolutely,” I smiled. “But I should probably cancel my study plans.” I quickly added. 

He led me to the faculty bathroom so I could freshen myself up. When I emerged, he was back to being the prim and proper professor I knew him to be. Just before we left his office, he leaned down and whispered, “By the way, you got an A.”

[wolfstar-in-color]

July Colorful Column: Remus is a Crip, and We Can Write Him Better.

There is one thing that can get me to close a fic so voraciously I don’t even make sure I’m not closing other essential tabs in the process. It doesn’t matter how much I’m loving the fic, how well written I think it is, or how desperately I want to know how it ends. Once I read this sentence, I am done.

It’s written in a variety of different ways, but it always goes something like this: “You don’t want me,” Remus said, “I am too sick/broken/poor/old/[insert chosen self-demeaning adjective here].”

You’re familiar with the trope. The trope is canonical. And if you’ve been around the wolfstar fandom for longer than a few minutes, you’ve read the trope. Maybe you love the trope! Maybe you’ve written the trope! Maybe you’re about to stop reading this column, because the trope rings true to you and you feel a little attacked!

Now, let’s get one thing out of the way right now: I am not saying the trope is wrong. I am not saying it’s bad. I am not saying we should stop writing it. We all have things we don’t like to see in our chosen fics. Maybe you can’t stand Leather Jacket Motorbike Sirius? Maybe you think Elbow Patch Remus is overdone? Or maybe your pet peeves are based in something a little deeper - maybe you think Poor Latino Remus is an irresponsible depiction, or that PWPs are too reductive? Whatever it is, we all have our things.

Let me tell you about my thing. When I first became very ill several years ago, there were various low points in which I felt I had become inherently unlovable. This is, more or less, a normal reaction. When your body stops doing things it used to be able to do - or starts doing things you were quite alright without, thank you very much - it changes the way you relate to your body. You don’t want to hear my whole disability history, so yada yada yada, most people eventually come to accept their limitations. It’s a very painful existence, one in which you constantly tell yourself your disability has transformed you into a burdensome, unworthy member of society, and if nothing else, it’s not terribly sustainable. Being disabled takes grit! It takes power! It takes a truly absurd amount of medical self-advocacy! Hating yourself? Thinking yourself unworthy of love? No one has time for that. 

Of course, I’m being hyperbolic. Plenty of disabled people struggle with these feelings many years into their disabilities, and never really get over them. But here’s the thing. We experience those stories ALL THE TIME. Remember Rain Man? Or Million Dollar Baby? Or that one with the actress from Game of Thrones and that British actor who seemed like he was going to have a promising career but then didn't? Those are all stories about sad, bitter disabled people and their sad, bitter lives, two out of three of which end in the character completing suicide because they simply couldn’t imagine having to live as a disabled person. (I mean, come on media, I get that we're less likely to enjoy a leisurely Saturday hike, but our parking is SUBLIME.) When was the last time you engaged with media that depicted a happy disabled person? A complex disabled person? A disabled person who has sex? No really, these aren’t hypothetical questions, can you please drop a rec in the notes?? Because I am desperate.

There are lots of problems with this trope, and they’ve been discussed ad nauseam by people with PhDs. I’m not actually interested in talking about how this trope leads to a more prevalent societal idea that disabled people are unworthy of love, or contributes to the kind of political thought processes that keep disabled people purposefully disenfranchised. I’m just a bitch on Tumblr, and I have a bone to pick: the thing I really hate about the trope? It’s boring. I’m bored. You know how, like, halfway through Grey’s Anatomy you realized they were just recycling the same plot points over and over again and there was just no WAY anyone working at a hospital prone to THAT MANY disasters would stay on staff? It's like that. I love a recycled trope as much as the next person (There Was Only One Bed, anyone?). But I need. Something. Else.

Remus is disabled. BOLD claim. WILD speculation. Except, not really. You simply - no matter how you flip it, slice it, puree it, or deconstruct it - cannot tell me Remus Lupin is not disabled. Most of us, by this point, are probably familiar with the way that One Canonical Author intended One Dashing Werewolf to be “a metaphor for those illnesses that carry stigma, like HIV and AIDS” [I’m sorry to link you to an outside source quoting She Who Must Not Be Named, but we’re professionals here]. Which is... a thing. It’s been discussed. And, listen, there’s no denying that this parallel is a problematic interpretation of people who have HIV/AIDS and all such similar “those illnesses” (though I’ll admit that I, too, am perennially apt to turn into a raging beast liable to harm anything that crosses my path, but that’s more linked to the at-least-once-monthly recollection that One Day At A Time got cancelled). Critiques aside, Remus Lupin is a character who - due to a condition that affects him physically, mentally, emotionally, and intellectually - is repeatedly marginalized, oppressed, denied political and social power, and ostracized due to unfounded fear that he is infectious to others. Does that sound familiar?

We’re not going to argue about whether or not “Remus is canonically disabled as fuck” is a fair reading. And the reason we’re not going to argue about whether or not it’s a fair reading is because I haven’t read canon in 10-plus years and you will win the argument. Canon is only marginally relevant here. The icon of this blog is brown, curly haired Remus Lupin kissing his trans boyfriend, Sirius Black. We are obviously not too terribly invested in canon. The wolfstar fandom is now a community with over 25,000 AO3 fics, entire careers launched from drawing or writing or cosplaying this non-canonical pairing. We love to play around here with storylines and universes and races and genders and sexualities and all kinds of things, but most of the time? Remus is still disabled. He’s disabled as a werewolf in canon-compliant works, he’s disabled in the AUs where he was injured or abused or kidnapped or harmed as a child, he’s disabled in the stories that read him as chronically ill or bipolar or traumatized or blind or Deaf. I’d go so far as to say that he is one of very few characters in the Wide Wonderful World of media who is, in as close to his essence as one can be, always disabled. And that means? Don’t shoot the messenger... but we could stand to be a tiny bit more responsible with how we portray him. 

Disabled people are complicated. As much as I’d like to pretend we are always level-headed, confident, and ready to assert our inherent worth, we are still just humans. We have bad days. We doubt our worth. We sometimes go out with guys who complain about our steroid-induced weight gain (it was a long time ago, Tumblr, okay??). But, we also have joy and fun and good days and sex and happiness and families and so many other things. 

Remus is a disabled character, and as such, it’s only fair that he’d have those unworthy moments. But - I propose - Remus is also a crip. What is a crip? A crip - like a queer - is someone who eschews the limited boundaries placed on their bodies, who rejects a hierarchy of oppression in favor of an intersectional analysis of lived experience, who isn’t interested in being the tragic figure responsible for helping people with dominant identities realize how good they have it. Crips interpret their disabilities however they want, rethinking bodies and medicine and pleasure and pain and even time itself. Crips are political, community-minded, and in search of liberation. 

Remus is a character who struggles with his disability, sure. But he’s also a character who leverages his physical condition to attempt to shift communities towards his political leanings, advocates for the rights of those who share his physical condition, and has super hot sex with his wrongfully convicted boyfriend ultimately goes on to build community and family. Having a condition that quite literally cripples you, over which you have no control, and through which you are often read as a social pariah? That’s disability. But using said condition as a means through which to build advocacy and community? Now that’s some crip shit. 

Personally, I love disabled!Remus Lupin. But I love crip!Remus Lupin even more. I’d love to see more of a Remus who owns his disability, who covets what makes him unique, and who never ever again tells a potential romantic partner they are too good for him because of his disability. This trope - unlike There Was Only One Bed! - sometimes actually hurts to read. Where’s Remus who thinks a potential romantic partner isn’t good enough for him? Where’s Remus who insists his partners learn more about his condition in order to treat him properly? Where’s sexy wheelchair user Remus? Where’s Remus who uses his werewolf transformations as an excuse to travel the world? Where’s crip Remus??

We don’t have to put “you don’t want me” Remus entirely to bed. It is but one of many repeated tropes that are - in the words of The Hot Priest from Fleabag - morally a bit dubious. And let’s face it - we don’t always come to fandom for its moral superiority (as much as we sometimes like to think we do). 

This is not a condemnation - it is an invitation. Able-bodied folks are all but an injury, illness, or couple decades away from being disabled. And when you get here, I sincerely hope you don’t waste your time on “you don’t want me”ing back and forth with the people you love. I’m inviting you to come to the crip side now. We have snacks, and without all the “you don’t want me” talk, we get to the juicy parts much faster. 

Colorfully,

Mod Theo

[studythenight-away]

Hello! As finals season (aka 5-research-papers-due-in-a-week season) dawns on many of you, I thought I would share the process I used to write papers in college. This made writing long research papers much less daunting (but can also work on shorter papers). I really hope this helps some of you who feel stuck. Especially during these ridiculous times, when you're stuck at home and might have other uncontrollable factors affecting your mental health, a clear framework of what to do could be helpful. Good luck, my friends! You got this.

About me

I graduated college in 2018 with degrees in Political Science + International Studies and will be starting law school this fall. I wrote nearly 20 15 to 25-page papers, never earning below an A. I loved researching about my topics but hated writing. It's tedious, takes so much time, and everything I write sounds bad at first. Plus, I was a terrible procrastinator so most of these essays were written in under a week. Talk about stress.

Over time I found a process that worked for me, one that made churning out a paper seem straightforward, like going through a factory line rather than this terrifying concept of writing 10,000 words. It kept me sane without decreasing the quality of my work (or more importantly, how much I learned!) 

I'm thinking about making a short video to show this in action… let me know if that could be helpful!

Step 1: Research

How you organize your research is a key step in keeping you sane. Usually I'll have a pile of 20 books in my dorm along with dozens of JSTOR tabs open on my laptop, and that can get overwhelming very fast. Right now just focus on collecting ideas, not developing an argument or even an outline! As with most research papers, you could be starting with little to no background information on the topic, so it is still too early to be thinking about an argument.

Put all your research in one document

Open up a new doc: this will be the heart of everything. For a 15-page paper I usually end up with around 14-18 pages of typed research, 10 pt font, single spaced, tiny margins. This seems like a lot, but essentially all I do is type up anything I read that seems relevant to my topic, so luckily this step does not require that much brain power. Just type type type!

Use the table of contents

Find the chapter(s) that are actually relevant instead of skimming through the whole book. Time is of the essence here!

Use Zotero, cite right away

You can also use easybib or whatever you're used to, but keep track of your sources. I like Zotero because I can keep a log of all of my sources and copy the footnote or bibliography version whenever needed. Before you even begin reading, cite the source and copy it into your research doc. This will save you so much time later when you have to put in your citations in the actual paper. 

Here is an example of what my research doc looks like:

Full citation is my heading for each source just so it’s crystal clear

I ignore all typos (I don’t think there are any in this part though, go me!) because my head is buried in the book just trying to get all the info down

I always start with the page number so I know what to cite when I go back

Create a shorthand 

While typing up research, you might think of something that the author didn't talk about that you'll want to write in your paper. Or perhaps a few sentences already start to form. Put them all in one place, with your research, so you know what source you'll have to cite to then lead into your idea. I type "!@#" before anything that is strictly my own idea so I'm never confused. It's fast and stands out.

This is an example: the two bullet points above are evidence from my source, which made me think of this argument I could make, which I noted with “!@#”

Step 2: Read Your Research

Now that you have all your information, go back and read through it all. Every time you read about a new theme/person/event, write it down somewhere. You may come up with a list of 20+ different ideas in your research. No matter how small, as long as there is something about it, write it down. Each of these mini themes is going to end up being a paragraph in your paper or combined with another mini theme. 

Once you’ve made your list, look for larger overarching themes. In the paper I’ve shown you, I had mini categories like “political party x” “religion” “labor groups” “little organization” and “hierarchy.” When I looked back I though, hey these are all groups and how groups are working together, so they each became their own mini paragraph under the subsection of “Alliances.”

As with most research paper structures, I try to find three general themes/subsections (like an extended version of that 5-paragraph essay we wrote in middle school). It makes the paper less messy and also makes sure I’m not covering things that are beyond a reasonable scope.

During this step, you are also searching for your thesis. It won’t be your final version. As you fill in your outline in the next step you may make slight changes. But this is definitely when you start thinking about it.

Step 3: Outline

We’re ready to outline! Once I’ve collected all my different themes and organized all my subsections and paragraphs, it’s time to fill in that outline. I start a new doc just for the outline and take advantage of google doc’s headings function to make a clear document outline.

Here comes the fun part, I read through my research one more time, this time copy and pasting all my research into each section of the outline. The document outline in google docs makes this easy because I can just click on each subheading to get me there (super helpful when you’re dealing with 15+ pages of research).

Here is what it looks like:

Let’s say I need to add something to my outline about labor groups. Boom, labor groups. Also, the typos are really abound here haha

Step 4: Write the Paper

Okay, I get it, easier said than done. BUT! You already have everything set up. Your outline is essentially just a list of your paragraphs and all you have to do is paraphrase, cite, and create a topic sentence. And that’s how you should think about this: you’re essentially transforming bullet points into sentences and adding footnotes. 

In high school my English teacher introduced us to Sh*tty First Drafts for creative writing, but honestly the same applies to research papers. Sometimes I’ll even have phrases like “wait no that’s not what I meant but basically...” and when I go back to edit, I realize that what came after “but basically...” is fine! And I keep it. So just start typing.

How do you cite while you write? Because we’re trying to get a constant stream of writing going, inserting proper footnotes after each sentence you type is too bothersome. I usually split screen with my outline and my paper so I just copy and paste a few words from my bullet point into my footnote, like so:

(This is from a different paper about cluster munitions.)

Step 5: Edit the Paper

I work best when I print out my first draft and make all edits in red pen. I feel more productive and can visually see where I want to move sentences and what I need to change. The more red there is the better I can feel the paper getting. (Whether or not that’s true doesn’t matter. We’re trying to stay motivated here!) When it’s all digital I don’t really see the progress. Plus, once I finish all the red, I get another moment of passive brain work, where all I’m doing is transferring edits rather than thinking. And at this point in the process, that kind of relief is much welcomed. 

The good thing about this process is there’s not usually a need to cut entire paragraphs or pages because the paper you end up with is just a formalized version of your outline. Because you started with such a detailed outline, the cutting and editing now is just to refine your word choices and get rid of the “but basically”s. You’re almost there!

Step 6: Replace your citations

Now it’s time to go back and replace your footnotes with actual citations. Zotero makes this easy because in Word you can just insert and add the page number, and it’ll automatically do “Ibid.” for you when needed. Ctrl+f in the original research doc to quickly find the source.

Step 7: One More Read-Through and Submit!

Congratulations!! You’ve got a fully-researched and well-backed paper! Of course, even though the process is straightforward, it’s still a lot of work. In ideal situations I would start researching two weeks before the deadline, but if need be, I believe I’ve done this all in three miserable panic-filled days as well. 

Please message me if you have any questions at all! I really hope some of you find this helpful! Good luck!

[reidgraygubler]

handsome enough to tempt me (spencer reid/reader)

Title: Handsome Enough To Tempt Me

Request: kinda, not really

Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!reader

Category: fluff/angst (Kinda slow-burn, enemies/rivals to lovers)

Content Warning: period piece, regency au, maybe the slightest bit of angst, a teeny-tiny bit of slut-shaming, age gap (note: i think gap relationships were a thing in the 1800s, so I’m not super worried. I don’t have a defined age, but it isn’t 37 year old Spencer, it’s younger), marriage/proposals, ooc characters (JJ and Spencer), i don’t really know what else to tag, this is mostly fluff and, like 1800s dancing and talking, so if I missed anything please let me know.

Word Count: 8,822

Summary: Reader meets Spencer Reid at a well-known estate ball. The pair learn to love each other, even when they hate each other.

A/N: this was written for @imagining-in-the-margins fic swap! this was written for the lovely @omgbigfluffwriting​! i took a couple of the prompts and aus (royal au/historical au) she likes and came up with this. i kinda based it around pride and prejudice. please bear with me, this is the first time i’ve ever written a period piece/royal au... so it’s not perfect. but, i hope you all enjoy it!!! Thanks for all the love and support! check out my masterlist!

{***}{***}{***}

It was officially the start of Social Season. The most terrifying time of the season, if I’ll be honest with you. My mother had insisted that it’s time I put myself out there, claiming time is wasting away and I should get married sooner rather than later. I couldn’t even begin to wonder why she’s so worried about me attending social events… Must be because she wants me to be like a bunny and have children by the litter… Like her and my father.

So, that would be why I’m at the first social gathering of the season, wearing the absolute best I had, looking around at all the potential suitors. It was rather stressful. Having to be the very best for all the men.

That was until my eye caught the attention of Sir Luke Alvez. He was busy with people on his arms and people behind him. Everyone was trying to win his attention, but he was trying to get everyone’s attention. And it would seem like he’d won it from everyone.

“Sir Luke,” I smiled at the familiar man as he walked by me. I’d only ever been to one event before with his attendance. He always seemed too busy with others to know what was happening around him. I honestly couldn’t blame him. There’s always too much going on around to know what was happening.

“Save me a dance,” Luke looked at me with a smile. I looked up at him with pure astonishment, feeling the shock of him wanting to dance with me. Typically higher class people don’t dance with the lower class. This is quite a scene for most people. I could sense a large commotion coming from him. 

“Of course,” I returned his smile before curtsying. I looked back at him, again, as he walked away from me. That was the end of our conversation as he continued walking away. The rest of his party walked past me. Well, I’d call it his party, but I wasn’t so sure how many of them were with him. The number of people (men and women both) following after him was intriguing. Something was telling me to keep my hopes low, and that dancing with him will most likely not happen.

After a few moments, a familiar woman stepped up to me. Her gown was intriguing, as was her hair, jewelry, and makeup. But, she always dressed to impress. With her lilac dress, and beautiful golden hair pinned to frame her face. I was always envious when I saw her, and she knew that too. Which was why we were still friends. She also helped me when I needed it, like at events like this. Where all the single men and women were around, and all the women tried to swoon the men. Who knows if it’ll work though, she’s been married for years.  

“Mrs Jareau,” I smiled at her and nodded my head. Jennifer smiled at me before inviting me into a hug. I enveloped my arms around her to graciously accept her hug. 

“Have you been in good health?” Jennifer asked as she backed away from me a step. I smiled and nodded.

“Of course,” I looked around the room at all the people, “My parents aren’t here, but they sent me off with one mission, and one mission only,” I laughed as I looked back at her. 

“I’d keep away from Luke Alvez then,” she laughed as she looked over at the man in question. I followed her gaze and noticed that he already had two new ladies on his arms. So much for saving a dance with him. “Something of a man whore,” she looked back at me and laughed, again. I looked at her and shrugged.

“Better to find out now I suppose, instead of later," I whispered as she looked over at her friend. I looked around the room, looking at the other people who weren’t dancing. 

“Do you want to meet Mister Reid? Surely he’ll dance with you,” Jennifer looked at me with a smile. I looked back at her and raised an eyebrow. 

“Surely? And if he doesn’t?” I asked, looking down at her hand as she offered it to me. I stared at it for a moment before gently placing my hand on top of hers. And with that, she guided me towards her friend.

“Trust me, he’ll want to dance with you,” she looked over at me. She had a very reassuring look in her eyes, silently telling me that everything will be okay. How am I supposed to trust her? I’ve never met Mister Reid before, how am I supposed to know that he’ll dance with me? 

“If you say so, Mrs Jareau,” I laughed lightly. She guided me towards the back of the room, where the rest of her party was. Of course, everyone she’s with is some level of class, while I’m just middle class. How is she, my friend? I do not know. But I’m grateful to have a friend like her. She can tell me all of the secrets of her friends, and the people they follow. 

The closer we got to her small circle of friends, the more I realized just how real this was about to be. At least three of her gentlemen friends had a woman or two around them, but the one we were walking towards had several women around him. He looked mildly annoyed with the number of people around him. Maybe even more uncomfortable than anything else. Jennifer was probably the one who looked more annoyed.

“Is this usual for him?” I looked over at my friend. She looked back at me and nodded. “How come I’ve never seen him at any balls? I figured you’d bring all of your friends to events like this,” I laughed lightly. 

“Usually, women flock to him, because he’s one of the most eligible suitors. He’s smart, has money, has the looks, people love him… Especially mothers with eligible daughters,” Jennifer explained as we got closer to her friend. She looked over at me and flashed me a smile. I glared at her. Her smile grew playful as she looked back at her friend.

“Why does he not have a wife then?” I looked back at her as I pulled my hand away from her. I held my hands in front of my body and stood closer to Jennifer. 

“He just hasn’t found the woman he likes yet,” she whispered. We were still several feet away. I was confident that he couldn’t hear our conversations, considering he still had a hoard of women around him. They were all trying to impress him, or trying to get him to take their next dance. I was just impressed by him not paying attention to anyone around him. “Let's hope that changes tonight,” Jennifer whispered close to my ear. I looked at her with wide eyes and obvious shock on my face.

“Jennifer,” I whispered, hoping to stop her before we got any further. Unfortunately for me, she didn’t hear a word I said as she still dragged me closer and closer to her friend. I silently prayed that from this moment on would be nothing but smooth sailing. 

“Excuse me, ladies!” Jennifer shouted over the clammer. I looked up at her and held back my laughter. My laughter paired with Jennifer’s shouting would probably have had everyone deem us as unladylike. Good thing my parents already think that of me.

All the ladies scurried away from Mister Reid, they glared at me and Jennifer. I’m sure it had everything to do with us interrupting their flirting with a man who’s never seemed interested in them in the first place. I placed my hand over my mouth to hold back my inexcusable laughter. Why was I suddenly so giggly?

“Mister Reid,” Jennifer curtsied once we were standing in front of the somewhat familiar-looking man. He stood on a platform with a certain stature that compared to no other man in the room. And there was a level of attractiveness. I mean, I suppose out of everyone in the room, he was one of the most attractive. It made sense why men envied him and wanted to be him, and why women wanted to be with him.

 I’ve only ever seen him once before. At an event, sort of like this one. Jennifer was standing with him, chatting about something. I never went to talk to him, mostly because I had caught Jennifer’s eye and she wanted to be with me instead of him. If she wasn’t already married and had two children, I’d be sure that she’d be courting him.

Jennifer saying my name is what grabbed my attention. I was just too involved with my thoughts to listen to “She’s been to many of these dances, but is officially putting herself out,” 

“Mister Reid,” I looked up at him as I curtsied. 

Much like any other single man at this stupid ball, he seemed too preoccupied with the people around. Granted, he looked like the type of person to enjoy his personal space, and here it’s near impossible. And, with a man like Mister Reid, having a crowd of women at your feet takes away all sense of personal space. I could tell he was over and done with all and any events from now till the end of time. 

“Seems like her head is somewhere else and in the clouds, Mrs Jareau,” Mister Reid looked over at me, then at Jennifer with a sort of pretentious snare in his eye. I widened my eyes and stared at him, feeling a fluster blaze on my skin. Jennifer looked over at me with her mouth agape before looking up at her friend. “Doesn’t seem like it’s your coming out time. Maybe you should go back home,” he kept his eyes on me and nodded. 

“Spencer,” her words were nearly breathless as she spoke. The disbelief in her voice nearly shook me to the core. Why? I couldn’t tell you. Mostly because I was also in disbelief. I honestly wasn’t sure what I was expecting him to say, but it was in no way something like that. If I wasn’t raised the way I was… I would have met my fist with his face. 

“I-I’m sorry,” I kept my eyes on him, mostly because I wasn’t entirely too sure what I should have said in response. Spencer, because he no longer deserves the title of ‘Mister Reid’, looked down at me with a sly smirk. “I was trying to place how I knew you, Mister Reid, and if I’ve seen you at any other dances,” I almost scoffed, but I decided it wasn’t exactly worth the breath of air. 

“Well, while Mrs Jareau was introducing us, you were too busy looking around the room, not even listening. You didn’t even have the sense of introducing yourself to me,” he started to explain my inability to pay attention for a span of time. I dropped my shoulders as I stared at him. “Something of a halfwit,” he added under his breath. It was just loud enough for Jennifer and I to react with a gasp.

“Spencer,” Jennifer stepped in again before I had the audacity to suddenly jump down his throat and start something with a man of higher repertoire than someone like myself, or my family. He probably had the power to ruin my family if he wanted to. “What has gotten into you,” she whispered as she stepped closer to her friend. 

“No, no, he’s right… If I’m incapable to introduce myself to someone like himself, then I am in no way ready to be out looking for marriage,” I looked at Jennifer before giving her a sad smile. Jennifer looked up at Spencer with a glare in her eye. Spencer looked back at Jennifer, silently telling her that this would be the end of our interaction. 

“Let’s take a turn about the room,” Jennifer looked back at me and smiled. I looked back at her before down at her hand. I gently rested my hand on hers before looking back at Spencer.

“It was a pleasure, Mister Reid,” I spoke as I looked right at his eyes. He looked back at me with a coolness in his eye. I could feel an angered heat coming from my body as Jennifer and I walked away from her friend. 

“I’m so sorry about him. He’s never like that,” she whispered as we walked back towards the front of the room. It took everything in my body to not want to shout.

“It seemed like he doesn’t like social events,” I laughed somewhat coolly. Jennifer looked over at me and joined my laughter. 

“That would be correct. He’s not very much a social person, despite having a social title,” she chuckled. We stopped by the drinks table, taking a glass of lemonade for ourselves.

“Arrogant bastard, that’s what seems correct,” I cleared my throat. My eyes scanned the room, landing on Spencer on the far side. He looked back at me, clearly trying to act like this was not happening. The air in the room was suddenly suffocating me and the walls themselves were closing in on me. 

Jennifer was going on and on about Spencer, and the other eligible men she knows. I honestly couldn’t hear anything she was saying. My head was slightly getting dizzy.

“Arrogant bastard… I do agree he can be like-”

“I’m so sorry, Mrs Jareau, but I must retire for the night,” I looked at her as I lowered my glass to the table. Jennifer raised an eyebrow.

“But the night is still young,” She gestured to the rest of the party. My heart sank as I gazed around the room, it only sank further when my eyes landed on Spencer. 

“Yes, but I fear I am coming down with something,” I murmured as I looked back at her. Jennifer’s eyes grew worried. “Until next time, Mrs Jareau,” I nodded and curtsied before turning to leave the ball and room altogether.

{***}{***}{***}

“I told you, Mama, I just don’t think now is my time,” I looked at her reflection in the mirror as one of the housemaids brushed through my hair. Mother scowled as she thought about her argument back.

“Times-”

“Running out! I know, Mama. I just… I just don’t think now is the right time,” I turned and watched as she shoved my second youngest sibling out of the room. I stifled my laughter as she looked back at me. “I’m still young,” I stood up and walked over to her. I rested my hands on her shoulders, feeling a certain anxiety bubble in my stomach. “It won’t be the end of the world. I’m 21, Mama, not an old maid. Please do not worry,” I smiled at her. Mother sighed before looking over at the dress set out for me to wear.

“Please, just promise me you’ll keep your options open. Do not let one man ruin this all for you,” she spoke softly. I sighed deeply, trying to find my words.

“I will not let one man ruin all this for me. Do not worry,” I laughed softly. 

“I best let you finish getting ready. Your siblings are nearly finished. We don’t want to be waiting on you,” she shot me a glare before leaving me at once. I sighed before turning back to the maid.

“Shall we?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. The maid laughed before going over to the bed.

“What was it that Mister Reid had said to you, Miss? You’ve always been so excited for such events, but after the most recent one… You seem… less than thrilled by them.” The maid asked as she helped me step into the dress. I took a deep breath as she began buttoning up the buttons.

“He called me a halfwit,” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “Something of a halfwit is what he said… It was because I was distracted by, well, by him. He just had a crowd of women around him, and he seemed so put-off by them. Most men, and women, my age… They’re looking for the next eligible... person. And there he had the pick of the lot, and he didn’t want anything to do with them,” I cocked my head to my shoulder as I looked at my reflection, “But after Mrs Jareau introduced us, and even after he insulted me… In fact, up until I left the ball, I could just feel his eyes on me. As if he was watching me.” I brought a hand to my lips once I finished my statement.

“I think I’m still in shock about him calling you a halfwit,” the maid came around to stand in front of me. I laughed as I looked up at her. “Why do you think he was watching you?”

“To be honest… I have no idea. He made it clear that he was in no way interested in me,” I shrugged as she cinched my dress. A breath of air was forced from my lungs. I nearly fell over from how much force she used to pull the corset tight. “Careful,” I looked over at her.

“Sorry, Miss.” The maid looked at my reflection. 

“It’s alright,” I chuckled as I watched as she picked up the dress I’d be wearing to the dance, “I think I’d rather have you put me out of my misery instead of attending this stupid event,” I muttered and stepped closer to her. She carefully (but quickly) helped me into the dress.

“It’ll be over before you know it. And, who knows, maybe Mister Reid will even leave you, and Mrs Jareau alone,” she smiled as she added some finishing touches. “You’re in the best years of your life. Don’t let a silly man ruin them,” she held both my cheeks. I smiled at her and nodded.

“You always give the best advice,” I whispered as I rested my hands on top of hers.

“Well, I’m happy someone listens to my advice,” she laughed with a smile, “Promise me you’ll have a good night,” she asked as she went back to helping me get ready.

“Just for you, I’ll have a great night,” I smiled and cocked my head. I suppose I looked great. My anxiety was just getting out of control because of Mister Reid. Hopefully, he’ll leave me be.

{***}{***}{***}

Oh, how I wished my maid was a prophet, and how I wished for her to be right. Because then her prophecy of Mister Reid leaving us alone would be real, and I could just get on with my life. However, we were all wrong. Because, as Jennifer and I stood at the punch table, in the crowd, I could see Mister Reid making his way towards Jennifer and me. Maybe he’ll pretend I don’t exist, and just greet Jennifer.

“Mrs Jareau,” Spencer stopped right in front of the two of us. I glanced at Jennifer and bit my lips back. 

“Mister Reid,” Jennifer returned with a curtsied. I looked around the room, expecting Spencer to ignore me. 

However, much to my surprise, and Jennifer’s, Spencer bowed in front of me and greeted me for the night. I looked over at Jennifer with shock on my face before looking back at him. I wasn’t expecting him to greet me at all, to be honest. Considering how our last meeting went. This was the last thing I was expecting. Halfwit. It took everything in me not to scoff.

“Mister Reid,” I rolled my shoulders and readjusted my posture as I looked at him. I could feel Jennifer’s eyes on me as I curtsied to the man in front of us. “How are you this evening?” I asked, holding my hands together in front of my body. 

“I’m doing just fine, thank you,” he nodded before looking over at Jennifer. Part of me wondered if she told him to relax, and not to be so arrogant. “And yourself?” he cocked his head to his shoulder as he looked back at me. 

“I’m excellent, thank you,” I bowed my head again. Jennifer wrapped an arm around my back and gently shoved me towards Spencer. I grunted as I nearly fell into his frame. I almost, nearly, glared at her.

“Something tells me Mrs Jareau wants us to dance,” Spencer spoke quietly, not wanting anyone else to hear his words. I glanced over my shoulder, searching for Jennifer. But to my surprise, she was gone, leaving me to my own devices, abandoning me with a man who hates me.

“My dance card is full,” I lied, I cringed as I told the lie. Spencer raised an eyebrow as he looked towards the blank dance card in my hand. I looked down at it, silently cursing for being so obvious with my lies. 

“Just one dance,” Spencer’s eyes shifted to my face. If it weren’t for the necklace I was forced to wear (by my mother, of course), I’d probably be able to breathe just fine. But I felt like I was suffocating. “Please,” he lifted a hand, offering it for me to take. I stared at it. Just one dance and we can get it over with. That’s it.

“If it’ll make you leave me alone for the rest of the night, Mister Reid, then I’ll dance with you,” I spoke, my voice shaky, as I hesitantly placed my hand over his. He latched his thumb over my hand before guiding me towards the dance floor. Murmurs came from women as we passed by them. That made me feel good, but the only thing that didn’t make me feel good was dancing with the man I was with. 

I’m sure they were all thinking ‘Well, why would she dance with him? She hates him.’ It’s not that I hated him… Okay, yeah I did. But, I’d honestly do anything just to make those other girls jealous. They all knew that too. I think even Spencer knew that too.

He had one hand rested low on my back, while the other held one of my hands. My free hand rested on his shoulder. The music started, and we started off our dance. I could feel people's eyes on us, watching as we went perfectly with the music. Like, it was a match that was meant to happen. Match made in heaven and in hell. My mother will surely have a fit about this once we returned home.

His touch felt like fire against my skin. The way his thumb brushed against the back of my hand, and his fingers interlocked with mine, made me want to melt. Part of me sensed that he could read my thoughts. I know how absurd that must sound. But, that was a fear that I currently had. If he could hear what I was thinking, I would surely die. 

So I quickly looked up at him, nearly breaking my neck at the speed. Spencer was looking around the room, probably for one of his friends. Or, even better, a way of escape. Despite my current thoughts, I didn’t blame him. 

“Are you alright, Mister Reid,” I whispered, looking up at his face. He blinked before looking down at me. He looked… bored. Which was unfortunate, because these balls were always a grandiose event. Maybe that’s just how he is, bored of anything and anyone. Oh, he’s probably bored of me.

“Mhm, what was that?” He looked back down at me. The way he asked his question told me that if I had had a whole conversation with him, he hadn’t heard a thing. So, I suppose it’s a good thing that I was having conversations with myself, not with him. I didn’t keep my eyes on his face, my anxiety was acting up. If my anxiety wasn’t so bad, I’m sure I would have looked right at him. So, I looked away from him. That was until I looked right at him, and he was looking back at me. My breath hitched in my throat once my eyes locked with his.

I was grateful when the song came to an end, Spencer and I froze on the middle of the floor, eyes still on each other while the people around us stared at us. My chest heaved as I stared at him. His hand was still firmly placed on my back, holding me close to him. I swallowed roughly, suddenly feeling very exposed, for no reason whatsoever. 

“I have… I have to go,” I muttered before pulling my hands away from his body. I stared at him for a moment before finally turning away, leaving him and the room altogether. I let out a sigh of relief when I finally made it outside. I walked back and forth in front of the busy building. 

“What was that? Are you okay?” Jennnifer’s voice came from behind me. I turned around and looked at her. My breathing was still hard, it felt impossible to catch. 

“What was that? You’re asking me what that was? You left me,” I looked at her with wide eyes. I felt a little bad for shouting at her. It’s true though, had she not left me alone with Spencer, I probably wouldn’t have danced with him.

“I didn’t put him up to that. That was all on his own,” Jennifer stepped closer to me, reaching a hand out to hold one of mine. I took a deep breath and shook my head. 

“Oh, I’m positive that’s what he did,” I folded my arms over my chest as I looked at her. Jennifer looked at me with a semi-apologetic look in her eye.

“Okay, I’m sorry I left you with him. But, Will called for me, and I just had to go see him,” she explained softly. I looked at her and dropped my shoulders.

“Should you know, I hated every moment of that,” I watched as she came closer to me. Jennifer smiled before resting her hands on my shoulders. “I just keep thinking about our first interaction… A halfwit!” I exclaimed as I looked at her. She looked taken back with me exclaiming and shouting. But to be fair, it was her friend that was being arrogant to me after she promised that he would want to dance.

“He didn’t mean it. He thinks he’s the smartest man in that room,” Jennifer laughed as she looked over her shoulder towards the building. I followed her gaze. “He’s even called me a halfwit before. And he’s the godfather to my kids,” she looked back at me and smiled.

“Well, maybe he shouldn’t have that, and included that I was not ready for marriage,” I shook my head. 

“He, himself, doesn’t think he’s exactly ready for marriage, either. He says that to anyone who merely shows him the slightest bit of interest,” she spoke. Her tone implied that I was ever interested in him. She should know that I wasn’t even interested in a man like Spencer Reid.

“Well, good for him… Someone should tell him that I’m not, nor ever was or will be, interested in him,” I scoffed and rolled my eyes.

“I’ll let you be the one to do that,” she smiled at me. I rolled my eyes again but smiled at her. “Will you come in now before you catch a cold? I don’t think your mother will want to hear you got sick because you were avoiding a man,” she laughed. I couldn’t help but laugh too because she’s never said anything truer. Jennifer lifted her hand, offering it to me to take.

“I suppose you’re right… Just, don’t make me dance with Mister Reid ever again,” I looked over at her as we walked back into the building. 

“We shall see,”

{***}{***}{***}

“Do you really have to go,” one of my siblings clung to my body as I walked down the hall, away from my room, and towards the front door.

“I really do have to go. Jennifer invited me over for a few days. I’ll be back before you even know it,” I smiled down at them before ruffling my hand through their hair. They pouted and clung to me harder. “What am I to do when I do get married? And when I move out?” I chuckled. 

“Please don’t go,” they mumbled into my dress. I frowned before lifting them onto my hip.

“I have to. You be good for Mama,” I pecked their nose before placing them back on the ground. They looked up at me, annoyed that I put them down. “I’ll be back before you know it. I promise.” I chuckled softly. They looked up at me, annoyed with the mere thought of my slightest bit of amusement. “This will be the last time I go away for a few days,” I laughed as I ruffled their hair again. 

“Fine, if you say so,” they looked up at me before sulking away. I tried to not let my amusement of leaving be too bothersome, but I honestly don’t remember the last time I had an overnight at Jennifer’s manor. It’ll be nice, get away from everyone for a few days. 

I retreated to my room, to finish packing for my journey. It was just me and my thoughts. That was until my mother stepped into my room, unannounced.

“I do hope you change your mind, Dear,” her voice came from behind me, just by the door to my room. I dropped my clothing, unfolded, into my suitcase. I tried hard not to drop my shoulders, but failed, allowing them to slouch down. “Well, don’t slouch, you know that’s bad for your posture,”

“What do you hope I change my mind on, Mother?" I muttered as I lifted my shoulders, and picked my dress back up. I carefully folded it and placed it gently in my suitcase. 

“You should be letting the maids pack for you, that’s the whole reason we have them,” she dramatically said as she sat on my bed. I looked over at her and blinked, trying to figure out the next thing that I wanted to say. I knew nothing would be right, though. Nothing would ever be right when it came to arguing with this madwoman. 

“You said I should change my mind? On what exactly?” I glanced over at her, feeling my sudden annoyance radiating off my body. Mother looked up at me, watching as I picked up another dress. 

“Oh, yes, that’s right,” a smile grew on her lips as she looked at me, “I hope you change your mind on your situation! Mister Reid is the most eligible bachelor there is, and you’re turning your nose up at such a great opportunity,” she clapped her hands together as she spoke. I sighed deeply, looking over at her with frustration. “This is your only chance!”

“Mother, I’m 21, I’ve still got time. Stop rushing me,” I laughed dryly as I closed my suitcase. “Mister Reid is a bastard. He’s the most arrogant man I’ve ever met. He’s already deemed me unworthy of marriage. So, what’s the point of getting married? Especially to him,” I snapped the locks shut as I looked over at her. 

“So you’ll never see him again?” Mother asked, clearly upset with everything I Had to say about Mister Reid. I sighed deeply and nodded.

“Not if I can help it,” I let out a small laugh through my nose. She looked even more disappointed by my laughter and truth in my words. Good, if she knows there’s true emotion in my words, then maybe she’ll stay off.  “The right man will come into my life, Mother, Mister Reid is just not that man,” I shook my head as I kept talking. I could sense Mother staring at me as I rambled on, and on. There was a certain gleam in her eyes like she knew something and wanted to keep it from me. 

“Does Mrs Jareau’s husband have a brother?” 

“Mama!” I shouted as I looked at her, “No, he does not. Okay? Please, please stop,” I dropped my shoulders again and looked at her, “I know you’re just worried about my future and everyone else’s, but I’m not too worried, okay?” I mumbled as I lugged my suitcase to the floor, “I have to go, I’ll be back in a few days. Promise,” I smiled at her as I dragged my suitcase down the stairs. With each thud, I could hear Mother’s thoughts, begging me to get a maid to carry it down the stairs. I was fully capable of carrying it myself. 

Although once I was outside I would need help getting it onto the carriage. The footmen would have to get it on properly so it wouldn’t fall off on the way. That’d be more than unfortunate for me. 

“Please do be careful,” mother was right beside me as I tried to board the carriage. I looked at her and smiled.

“Mama, I’m always careful,” I smiled before pecking her cheeks and embracing her, “I’ll be back soon, I promise. You won’t even know I’m gone,” I laughed before getting onto the carriage. I waved at mother as the driver started. 

I was very grateful that Mother allowed me to take the carriage. The journey between my home and Jennifer’s manor was bad on foot. It’s even worse when the weather was bad, thankfully the weather wasn’t too bad, and the ride there wasn’t too terribly long. I always hated the journey but loved when I got to my destination.

I nearly tumbled out of the carriage once we made it to Jennifer’s. My excitement was just a little bit embarrassing. Well, to be fair it’s been quite a while since the last time I saw her, and I was more than excited to see her. 

“Jennifer,” I exclaimed once I saw her. My feet moved on their own, carrying me fast to her. 

“Oh my goodness! It’s been far too long,” it was her turn to exclaim as she wrapped her arms around me. Her embrace was tight, and that goes to show just how long it’s been since we’d last seen each other. “You are now obligated to come here even if there is no ball. Once a month from now on until one of us dies,” she rested her hands on my shoulders and smiled. I laughed and looked at her.

“As long as you keep inviting me over, I will always come,” I placed my hands on her arms. 

“You must be famished after your journey, come,” she whispered as she grasped my hands. She pulled me into her home. Again, I nearly fell as she all but dragged me up the path towards her home. 

“Yes, I am, but is there a reason for you to drag me as if I was a cow,” I laughed once we were inside her home. I looked around and took in all the intricate decorations she had in just the front room. 

“They just finished making dinner as you pulled up. Wouldn’t want it to go cold,” Jennifer flashed me a somewhat nervous smile before leading me towards the dining room.

“What’s going on with you? You’re not ill, are you,” I asked as we entered the room. She stayed silent a moment longer, watching as I turned to face the table. “Oh,” I looked at the table and the person standing by it. Spencer was standing in front of his chair, looking between Jennifer and me. 

“I see you also invited Mister Reid,” I looked over at Jennifer with raised eyebrows, “Without telling me,” I glanced over at the man in question. He had now stepped away from the table and slowly moved towards Jennifer and me.

“I knew if I told you he’d be here, you wouldn’t have come,” Jennifer whispered as she looked at me. I took a step back as I looked at Spener. “Please, he’s not that bad,” 

“Well, I had no idea you’d be here either,” Spencer spoke with a bite in his tone. I stared at him before slowly blinking. The silence in the air was deafening, but at the same time so quiet. “In fact, had I known you were here, I certainly wouldn’t have come over,” he looked over at Jennifer. I let out a shaky breath as I looked at Jennifer too. 

“Are you two serious? You do realize you’re both adults, correct?” Jennifer looked between us and scoffed, “I’m not even sure why you two are the way you are.” She continued before pushing past Spencer and towards the table. I watched as she took a seat at the head of the table.

“After you,” Spencer stepped to the side before gesturing towards the table and final open seat. I stared at him, a little bit confused with his sudden kindness. 

“Thank you, Mister Reid,” I bowed my head before walking by him and taking the seat. Spencer walked around the table and sat at his seat. It was purely silent as the maids and butlers served dinner to Jennifer, Spencer, and me. I feared if I spoke about anything Spencer would immediately take offence to what I had said. I’m sure I could mention something about the weather, and he’d make it sound like I was an imbecile. 

“How was your journey here? I hear you live a ways away,” Spencer asked before he took a sip of his water. If he wasn’t looking right at me, I wouldn’t have known he was talking to me. I nearly choked on my food once I realized he was talking to me.

“Oh, sorry,” I swallowed roughly as I earned a few eyebrows raised from the people around me, “It was quite alright. Thankfully my mother allowed me to take the carriage, and the weather was perfect,” I smiled as I looked at him.

“I do have to agree, the weather was wonderful for travel,” Spencer nodded as he lifted his fork to his lips. I stayed silent for a minute, watching as he ate. 

“Did you have to travel at all, Mister Reid?” I asked, finally looking away from him and down at my food. Steamed vegetables and pork, with potatoes and cranberry sauce. Part of me felt terrible for Jennifer’s kids, they probably wouldn’t eat something like this. I know for sure my siblings wouldn’t dare look in the direction of steamed vegetables. 

“Just the town over, my manor is not too far from here,” Spencer looked up at me with a fake friendly smile on his lips. I copied his expression and nodded. “My mother is still there. She’s lovely,”

“Oh! How is Diana?” Jennifer finally interrupted. I sighed deeply as I dropped my gaze back down to the table. The two kept talking about Spencer’s mother, and how she was doing. And from there, it was smooth sailing.

Or, so I thought. The following day was fine. But the next day was awful. Terrible. I had spent the morning in the library, a good chunk of it in fact, and then I took a turn about the garden, only to end up back in the library. Unfortunately, for me, I didn’t realize I had forgotten some of my personal belongings in a bad place.

“Mister Reid,” I looked at him and bowed my head as I stepped back into the library. Spencer looked away from the book he was reading and greeted me. “What are you reading?”

“You left your diary here and I wanted to figure out who you were.....and when I read it....” Spencer looked down at the book in his hand. I looked down and noticed that he was, indeed, holding on to my diary. I nearly fell to the ground as I rushed to pull it from his grasp. Our fingers just barely brushed against each other, and my breathing stuttered for a moment. Spencer sensed that too, looking up at me with wide eyes and shock masking over it. 

“You idiot,” I looked up at him as I hugged my diary close to my chest. I wasn’t too sure if I was calling him an idiot, or myself for leaving my stupid diary in the library. Most likely the latter, to be honest. “You didn’t see anything, did you?” I couldn’t help but glare at him. There was just something about him that I loathed about him, I couldn’t tell you why. “You just had to be nosy,” I looked away from him before walking out of the library. I knew he would follow me before I heard his steps following me. 

I just hoped he didn’t read too much into this stupid thing. There were too many secrets for him to know, even my siblings to know. But, there were other things that Spencer Reid couldn’t know. Sure I hate him, I think it was a deep-seated part of me that hated him. But, another part, the part that’s in this stupid diary, didn’t hate him. The part that had feelings for him. I’m sure it sounds silly, being in love with a man you hardly know. But my mother hardly knew my father before they got married. And, Jennifer hardly knew her husband before they got married (granted, she had fallen pregnant with his child. Forcing them into marriage). 

“Wait,” Spencer called after me as he reached for my arm. I jerked my arm from him as I turned to face him. He was a lot closer to me than I anticipated, I nearly smashed into him. He lifted his hands and rested them on my shoulders to stop me from further falling into him. I looked up at him with wide eyes and alert on my face.

 I realized his hands were on me, on my shoulders to keep me upright. My breathing, again, picked up, and my head started getting a little dizzy. I wasn’t entirely sure if I was swaying, granted his hands were still on me. I’d be lying to everyone, including myself if I said that I didn’t enjoy his touch. And, like before, at the ball, his touch felt like flames against my skin.

“Get your hands off me,” I jerked away from him and stepped back. He looked down at me, a little bit of hurt on his face and in his eyes. “I have to go.” I looked away from him before leaving again. I sincerely hoped he didn’t follow me this time. When I glanced over my shoulder and saw him still standing in the middle of the hallway, watching as I ran away from him. 

Once I was behind the locked door to my room, I tossed the stupid book on my bed and began pacing back and forth. My arms folded across my chest, feeling my head get light headed again. But I had to keep moving to keep myself away from Spencer.

“Idiot! You….” I stopped and looked at my reflection in the mirror, “You stupid girl,” I scoffed at myself before going to lie on the bed. In fact, I pressed my face into my pillow before groaning into it.

{***}{***}{***}

“I definitely wasn't waiting around here hoping to bump into you or anything…” Spencer watched me as I re-entered the library. I looked up from the book I was holding and right at him. “Can we talk,” he asked, watching as I went to turn to leave the room. I froze as I looked at him. 

“About what, Mister Reid?” I whispered as I slowly re-entered the room. He stumbled to his feet and watched as I walked over to one of the several, fully-stocked bookshelves. I tried not to listen to his footsteps or breathing. Because if I listened to them, I’d know he’d be close behind me. 

“About what I saw in your-” He started, but stopped when I laughed lightly. I could hear the silence in his breathing, and that told me how close he was.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I scoffed and shook my head, “I don’t know what you saw, Mister Reid, but whatever it was, was written by a childish girl who’s been conditioned to marry any gentleman who’s eligible for marriage. I had that moment of thought when I saw you at first. But then you called me a halfwit. So, whatever it was in you I saw quickly went away,” I spoke as I turned to face him. He was a lot closer to me than I had originally thought. “So, whatever you saw… Is false,” I smiled as I looked up at him. But, what he said next was something I wasn’t expecting. 

“I called you that because I am in love with you,” He spoke with a calm voice. I swallowed roughly as I stared at him. “I’ve been in love with you since I first laid eyes on you,” he whispered. I felt awful for laughing, but I honestly didn’t know how to react to this sudden confession. “Please, marry me,” he looked at me. Again, I felt awful for laughing, but I was in an incredibly awkward spot.

“You can’t possibly be in love with me. You hardly know me,” I scoffed and shook my head, “Halfwit. You even told me-”

“I know what I told you,” He cut me off. I looked at him and sighed deeply. “Please,” 

“I must go,” I answered his question with that. I turned to leave the room, forever pleased that he didn’t follow behind me this time. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I left, and I hated that I was crying.

{***}{***}{***}

“Caller for you,” the butler spoke once he entered the room. I sat up in bed and looked at him. I pointed at myself, staring at him with wide eyes. “Yes, Miss.,” I looked over at my mother, then at my siblings around me. 

“Well, send him in!” Mother shouted as she practically jumped from her seat. She rushed to stand in front of me.

“I wasn’t expecting anyone,” I looked at mother as she pulled me to my feet. She smiled as she pushed my hair away from my face. 

“This is the best thing to happen to you… To us, your sisters,” she whispered as she licked her thumb and rubbed it on my chin. I pulled my face away from her hands and looked at her. “The whole family!”

“Who could it be,” the youngest of my sisters asked as she bounced to stand beside me. I looked down at her and shrugged once mother stepped away from me. I let out a breath of air that I didn’t realize I was holding.

“No idea. The only person I’ve been talking to is Jennifer,” I looked down at my sister. She looked back at me and smiled. 

“What about that Mister Reid gentleman?” Mother asked, “He does seem lovely, Dear, I don’t quite understand your hatred towards the man,” she continued on with her love for him. And almost as on cue, Spencer Reid entered the room, his hat in hand. It left me speechless. I’d rather be speechless than have to explain my reasoning to her, again. 

I’m not sure how long it’d last been since I saw him. But, I can say that it wasn’t a pleasant interaction. It was cold and bitter. It was after his sudden proposal. No one knew about it, but we were forced to interact at the last event. No one even questioned why we were so bitter towards each other, they all just assumed it was the usual way we acted towards each other. Which was partly true. No, it was because he proposed to me, and I didn’t give him an answer. 

“Afternoon,” he looked around at each of the women, and men, in the room before finally looking at me. Keeping his eyes on me the longest. I swallowed roughly before curtsying. 

“Mister Reid, what an unexpected visit,” Mother rushed over to him and bowed slightly. Yes, what a very unexpected visit, Mister Reid. I wished I’d known you would be visiting so I could lie and say I would be out of town.

“Ah, yes, I apologize for that,” he looked at mother and smiled nervously. Nervous? What would he have to be nervous about? “Might I have a word… In private,” He was looking right at me. I froze as I looked at him. He was waiting for my answer. Words couldn’t find their way to my mouth, thus leaving me without an answer.

“Of course you can! Come along, let’s give Mister Reid and your sister a moment,” Mother looked at my siblings before ushering them out. I anxiously watched as they all left the room, leaving me alone in the room with Spencer. I silently pleaded with my youngest older sister to stay, but it was an obvious fail when mother pulled her out behind her.

“It was rather unexpected for you to stop by, Spencer,” I let out a dry laugh, “Especially after our first and last interaction,” I folded my hands in front of my body. Spencer took a cautious step closer to me. 

“And that was my fault. I regret it all,” he whispered and shook his head, “I was… I was arrogant, selfish… I don’t know what I was thinking. But, I do know now, that I missed the biggest chance to get married to the most beautiful, selfless, mindful woman I know… And I regret that more than anything in my entire life,” he whispered before lowering himself to one knee. I stared down at him with wide eyes, feeling a certain sickness rise in my throat and stomach. “Marry me,

“No,” was all I said. It was the only word that I suddenly knew. Spencer looked shocked, displeased, with my answer. “My answer is still the same, Spencer."

“We’d both be lying to ourselves, and each other, if you denied my proposal,” he looked at me as he spoke with a low tone. My eyes were wide open as I stared at him, and my silence was nearly deafening. He wasn’t lying, either. We both knew our true feelings for one another now, now that he’s read my diary and he’s proposed to me. We were both in love with each other, and we can’t lie about it now. 

“What’s that supposed to mean,” I asked, already knowing the answer to my ridiculous question. Spencer dryly laughed and shook his head.

“You know what that means,” he stepped closer to me, “I haven’t been able to get you out of my head, it’s rendered me useless. I’ve become so infatuated with you that… I’m unable to live a normal life without you by my side… Please” he shook his head and looked down at the ground. I took a shaky breath. “Please, accept my hand in marriage,” 

I watched as he knelt to the ground, holding himself up on one knee. I could tell he wanted to hold both my hands. But, my body wouldn’t let me move or react even. Maybe that the paralysis I was feeling was a reaction within itself. 

Mother’s words ran through my head. This is the best thing to happen to me, my sisters, and my whole family. Jennifer's urging for us to dance, and setting us up in her manor. And then suddenly the thoughts and memories of our interactions. I did have a valid reasoning for my hatred towards him. But to be fair, you don’t just call someone a halfwit for the joy of it. Of course, he did say he thought that way of himself, after he said it all to me. 

It’s honestly all too late now. We both already knew how we feel towards one another as well. But, can I really picture myself spending the rest of my life with someone as stuck up and arrogant as Spencer Reid? He’s already proven that he isn’t as stuck up as I thought, while we danced, and while we were at Jennifer’s manor. Time was moving quick, I’m not sure how long I’d been silently staring at him, but I knew it was a long time.

“Promise me something,” I spoke, my mouth having a mind of its own. I stared down at him with wide eyes. His eyes looking up at me, sometime over the last several silent minutes, he finally had a gentle grasp on my hands. 

“Anything… Anything for you,” 

“You call yourself a halfwit too,” I smiled at him. Spencer looked up at me, the same smile growing on his lips as he stood. 

taglist: @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto​ , @thebluetint​

[superhero--imagines]

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A/N: Looking for a beta reader for a personal writing piece, let me know if you feel like you're a pretty good editor! Also this has been sitting in my drafts for like 2 months, and IDK maybe I'll do more of them since it's kinda fun.

* Omg this freak is so stupid into the fact that you literally create universes with those godly hands

* I’m not kidding, I think a good 80% of his initial attraction to you was because you’re writing will literally make you immortal

* “You’re going to live forever,” Satoru says slightly breathless as he holds one of your print publications in his hand

* You’re just like ‘wtf’ so he explains-

* “You die twice, once when your body can no longer sustain itself, and the second the last time someone says your name.”

* Ah, so he thinks you’ll live forever in the sense that someone will always reference your work

* “That’s not exactly true though, one day the sun will swallow the earth whole, turning everything we love to dust”

* Satoru thinks you sound just like a writer when you say stuff like that

* “Well, unless we find another planet and have a database there or something”

* Satoru googles ‘how to buy a planet’ and ‘how much would it cost to set up a database in space’

* He’s got no respect for your craft- and by that I mean if you’ve got a deadline you’re trying to meet for a submission period or for your editor whatever, he’s just got no respect for it

* Queue Gojo shenanigans where he’ll hide all the pens in the house, or hide your laptop or something just so he can see you all flustered and panicked

* “I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS I ONLY HAVE 12 HOURS TO GET THIS IN!!” You shriek running from one end of your home to the other looking desperately for your laptop charger

* It’s too late in the game to order another one, and you don’t trust leaving Gojo alone in this house

* More than once you’ve left the house to replace whatever Satoru stole only to return to see even more of your things were gone now

* One time he rearranged all the furniture

* “It’s up there,” Gojo says grinning, and you look up to the ceiling fan to see your laptop charger idly hanging off one of the panels

* “I’ll get it down for you if you give me a kiss,” he says cheekily

* There’s sort of a method to the madness

* Part of it is yeah, Gojo loves to laugh, and nothings funnier than you when you’re flustered

* But part of it is you’ve been hunched over your laptop for days now, and you’re starting to be mean to yourself because you’re frustrated

* You need a break

* One he’s more than happy to offer

* And a teeny tiny portion is because he’s lonely

* Whenever you get sucked into a project it’s like you forget about him completely

* So he just wants to remind you he’s here

* And that he loves you

* You sigh, giving him a quick peck, and with a wave of his hand he brings the charger down

* “I expect a better reward when you’re done with your story”

* I think Gojo is probably a pretty big fan of your work

* In fact he’s probably your #1 fan

* But he’s super low-key about it.

* Buys all your publications on pre-order (never in large amounts so you don’t notice)

* If you’ve got into a bigger journal/magazine, or have a book at a bookstore will buy a copy every time he passes by one and see’s it

* He keeps one copy of each work on his bookshelf in the living room

* And then stores the rest/extra copies in a velvet storage box in a temperature-controlled area

* He also has another set that he notoriously marks up with notes/annotations

* “This part sounds like the time I brought them food and took them on a spontaneous date” he’ll say, scribbling furiously into the margin

* Gojo see’s your writing as an extension of you- of your soul

* So he does his best to try and figure out where you get inspiration from

* He’s especially delighted if he notices something he did, inspired something you wrote -

* “Ah the villain hid the hero’s laptop charger so they couldn’t turn in their assignment on top,” he says with a sigh

* - Even if it’s not always positive

* Honestly he plays it so cool you think he doesn’t really think anything of your profession until you come over to his place for the first time and see all your works in a neat line on his shelf

* And even then you think he’s just supporting you because he loves you, after all, they’re all in great condition, he probably hasn’t even opened them.

* And then a little further into the relationship, probably when you move in together or something

* You find all those marked-up copies

* Gojo Satoru has never been redder

* You’re genuinely concerned he might combust

* He’s acting like you just found his porn stash or something

* You wait for a few minutes for him to stammer out an excuse or something

* But when he can’t seem to form any words after several minutes you sigh and close the box

* “I didn’t see anything”

* He just nods

* You start giving him copies of your work yourself now that you know he’s so interested

* “O-oh no it’s fine-“

* It’s actually one of the rare times you see Satoru flustered

* “It’s fine, I insist, I’ve got too many contributor copies anyway”

* He takes them in his hand blushing

* He would show up to all of your readings or signing events -

* Disguised Ofc

* “Hey you should be careful, that guy looks super sketchy-“

* You look to where your manager is pointing, to a tall lanky guy wearing a black hair wig, and these tacky thick-rimmed pink glasses and you sigh

* “No need to worry, that’s just my moronic boyfriend”

* “You don’t have to show up in disguise you know”

* “Well what was I supposed to do? You didn’t invite me” he’s doing that thing where he gets all shy, a blush on his face and his fingers tugging a strand of hair

* You sigh

* The dork is oddly lovable

* “Well, from now on you’ve got an open invitation to all my events”

* He smiles so bright you would think you just offered to blow him in the middle of the bookstore

* He’s got his shortcomings

* “SATORU DID YOU HIDE ALL MY REFERENCE BOOKS?!?!”

* But you couldn’t have asked for a more supportive boyfriend

* “Kiss me and maybe I’ll tell you where they’re at”

* Or a better muse